‘Look at me! I’m picking a fight!’ says May

THE prime minister has demanded everyone in Britain look at her as she picks a fight with the EU that she will certainly lose. 

May, whose previous skirmish ended with her metaphorically face-down on the playground tarmac with her arm twisted behind her back being forced to say ‘I’m a twat,’ wants everyone’s attention as she goes in for round two.

She added: “I don’t like your citizens, and they’re not getting equal rights! There, I said it! Now what are you doing about that, Mr Juncker?

“They can come here but we won’t let them in any of the good bits and they have to wear bells around their necks so everyone knows they’re foreign. Yeah.

“Now I want everyone in Britain to take note of how tough I’m being standing up to the EU just like the newspapers told me to. You can look away after this. The outcome isn’t important.

“How’d you like me now, Remainers? I’m the new Iron Lady delivering the Brexit the people want. Boo-yah. Get in the ring Michel Barnier. I’ll kick your bitchy little ass. Punk.”

EU president Donald Tusk said: “There is no doubt we will win. But somehow, it is still humiliating.”

'Judging other parents is what makes having children so worthwhile'

HAVING kids is exhausting and stressful but comes with the ultimate reward: making sweeping judgements about other parents.

Before I had my first baby I imagined life would be an endless rosy glow when it was born. How naïve I was. I quickly realised that, while sometimes cute, it was mainly a constant stream of vomit, shit and screaming.

If parenting was going to be years on end of tedium and difficulty, what was the point?

I found the answer when I discovered the visceral pleasure of making harshly critical judgements of other parents. But, like a junkie on a crack bender, I always need more of it to maintain the same high. My kids are seven and nine now, and I’m an absolute nightmare to be around.

If I see a mother feeding her kids Dairylea Lunchables while mine open a Tupperware of carrot sticks I give her a ‘look’. It makes me feel as good and wise as Florence Nightingale, but with nice clothes from Boden.

Dummies, bottle feeding, breast feeding, names, swearing, drinking alcohol, sweets, iPads, chicken nuggets, stay at home dads, working mums – I’ve judged it all, I know it all and it feels good.

Yes, I realise that parenting is hard and we’re all in the same boat. It’s just that actually I’m in my own boat and it’s obviously better.