Really quite worrying couple now married

A COUPLE whose arguments and infidelities have horrified and fascinated everyone around them for years are now married. 

Despite a relationship so beset by drama that it should serve as a cautionary tale, Donna and Tom Logan have decided to continue their shitshow of a union until death do them part.

Friend Lucy Parry said: “Married? F**king hell. Glad they only told us afterwards. That would be like being invited to attend the landing of the Hindenberg.

“Okay, the highs and many, many lows of Martin and Donna’s relationship have kept us entertained for years, but it never occurred to me they’d put a ring on it. Once you’ve shat the bed, you don’t promise a registrar that you’ll lay in it forever.

“I imagine he had to get a new suit, after she cut the crotch out of all his others when he went on a night out on her cat’s birthday last year. And he’d shagged all her mates so she went with her sister as witness, because we’d all kept quiet about New Year’s Eve 2019.

“Do they think the normal reaction to a marriage announcement is ‘Really’ or ‘Oh f**k’? Because that’s what they got. It’s the sole time I’ve looked up the high divorce rate, just to reassure myself.”

Donna Logan said: “It’s sad for them, trapped in marriages without any drama, never breaking any furniture. I hope we never end up like that.”

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Conniving office bastards have already stolen the best holiday dates

THREE weeks into 2024 all the best holiday dates have already been booked up by the scheming bastards you work with, it has emerged.  

A quick scan of your team’s holiday rota has revealed that all of July and August, much of May and June and the whole Christmas period have all been taken by unscrupulous bastards who neglected to tell you they were doing it.

Stephen Malley of Colchester said: “Emma’s had f**king Easter? She didn’t mention that when she was sweetly offering to make the tea.

“She’s not even got bloody kids. Nor has Nikki, which hasn’t stopped her taking a week in August because she ‘might go to a festival.’ Are you or aren’t you? Because my entire summer depends on it, no pressure.

“I can’t even have the May bank holidys because Roy will be methodically towing his around medieval hotspots so he can to charge around fields reenacting the English Civil War, like a twat.

“So I’m left with mid-May, February half-term and October for my annual leave. Or spending the next few months assiduously working behind the scenes to get the wankers fired, like I did with Amelia last year.”

Colleague Emma Bradford said: “You snooze you lose, Steve. Though I’ll probably cancel my Easter leave three days beforehand. I’ve only booked it on spec.”