Man with no desire to go to nightclub deliberately wears trainers on night out

A MAN going on a men’s night out that could conceivably end up in a nightclub has taken the sensible precaution of wearing trainers. 

38-year-old Tom Booker feared that a few catch-up pints with old friends could escalate to an all-nighter that goes all the way to a nightclub, so he has prudently worn a pair of scuffed Air Force Ones.

He said: “Me and the boys rarely get the chance to meet up, so I suspect they’ll seize the chance to go large. Not on my watch.

“I’m no longer in my twenties, so I’m not pretending clubbing’s anything but an exhausting, tinnitus-inducing absurdly expensive ordeal. If I want much younger girls to stare at me in disdain I have daughters.

“We agreed on a few rounds in a quiet snug, and thanks to my trainers that’s exactly what we’ll be f**king doing. No bouncer will countenance these. They’ll be shouting ‘Not tonight, son’ when I’m on the other side of the street.

“Sorry lads, I won’t be able to pay £10 to get into a strobe-lit hell playing a tooth-looseningly banging remix of Someone You Loved to an empty but sticky dancefloor. I’ll just have to get a cab home. Shame.”

Friend Martin Bishop said: “Tom’s working harder, not smarter. He should just use his kids to get out of it like I do. What else was the point of having them?”

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Gen Z couple hires intimacy co-ordinator

A GEN Z couple has taken the first step toward consummating their relationship by hiring an intimacy co-ordinator. 

Lucy Parry and Joshua Hudson, both aged 19, have agreed if they are to have sex they should involve a professional to ensure both parties are continually consenting and the context of their physical actions is properly understood.

Hudson said: “We’re both amateurs in this field. Going ahead without a third party to provide an avenue to report harassment would be irresponsible.

“It’s only £450 as a day rate for an intimacy co-ordinator who’ll choreograph and supervise the whole thing, ensuring everyone’s boundaries are respected and nobody suffers trauma. Knowing if at any moment I’m uncomfortable they’ll call my dad.”

Parry agreed: “If Kate Winslet and Sydney Sweeney say intimacy co-ordinators are necessary then they are. We’ve put together our Christmas money and I’m saving my Greggs wages. We should have enough by May.”

Wayne Hayes, aged 44, said: “I’ve been looking to break into intimacy co-ordinating anyway, because I’m into watching hot people get naked and have or simulate sex.

“Why would anyone want this job for any other reason?”