We ask you: can the UK possibly survive a huge drop in working Royals?

THE King is undergoing surgery, the Princess of Wales is in hospital and the number of working Royals is approaching crisis point. Can we make it through? 

Norman Steele, livestock farmer: “All building projects should cease immediately. Why finish a new hospital when there’s nobody to cut the ribbon declaring it open?”

Martin Bishop, font designer: “There are plenty of foreign Royals available who’d welcome the chance to step up. Get a couple of those in on short-stay visas. When the proper ones are back, kick them out.”

Sophie Rodriguez, waitress: “Could Andrew still do public appearances if he was strapped to a gurney and wearing a leather mask? I don’t think he’d mind.”

Margaret Gerving, retired headmistress: “And the Sussexes are over there in California laughing at how we’re struggling. You think they’ve got nothing to do with this? Dream on.”

Steve Malley, spot welder: “Wait. There are non-working Royals?”

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Gen Z dating trends developed to ensure anyone older stays well away

FINDING true love is tricky at the best of times, so the last thing you need is trendy dating bullshit to deal with too. That’s why these things are so effective at deterring geriatric oldsters over 25.

Sending memes

Gen Zers have the innate ability to communicate using seemingly unrelated pictures. Paradoxically, they do not use emojis as they think they are dumb, and somehow an image of Kermit the frog drinking tea says more than a wet eggplant ever could. It’s idiotically confused, but their brains probably haven’t finished growing yet.

Asking for their ‘Discord’

According to Google, ‘Discord lets friends chat via voice, video, or text’. That’s for the benefit of over-25s because you’ve no idea what it is due to being old and confused and scheduled for the grave. However they seem to regard Discord as more personal than asking for their number, so if you’re able to extract this precious information that’s a definite shag. 


Hardballing is a term people use on dating apps when they’re upfront about wanting a serious relationship. Since so many people on apps are just horny for hook-ups, hardballing is basically telling someone you’re not looking for a ‘f**kboi’. But for God’s sake don’t use that term as it’s already hopelessly out-of-date and you may as well invite a potential partner over to look at your brass rubbings.


Even when you do meet someone on ‘the apps’ and start going out with them, that doesn’t mean you are going out. They might be ‘stashing’ you, which means that while they like spending time with you, they don’t want you to become part of their real life and meet their friends. Which is fine by you because they’re all twats drivelling on about Tinder and social media.


Like catfishing but not as bad. Kittenfishing is changing your profile to more closely match your target’s interests, so if you see they like cats, you borrow your neighbour’s moggy to take a profile picture with even if you think cats are wankers. It’s still pretty messed up and manipulative, but if, in your ignorance, you buy some kittens to increase your chances of pulling, frankly that is probably going to work. 


Relationships are built on mutual trust, respect and long-term commitment. Situationships are not. You don’t need weekend plans, you don’t have to be exclusive, you don’t even need to reply to their texts, you just get together when you happen to be in the same place. It’s basically a Gen Z rebranding of friends with benefits. Say what you like about young folk, this sounds excellent. Time to buy an Eras t-shirt and a vape and get busy on Tinder.