Same-sex Catholic wedding marred by fireball from God

THE Vatican’s decision not to bless same-sex unions has led to a gay couple’s wedding in Bournemouth being completely ruined by fire and brimstone. 

Josh Hudson and Ryan Whittaker had planned a low-key wedding in the picturesque seaside town, but the event was disrupted when fireballs obliterated their rose and delphinium centrepiece.

Whittaker said: “Our first thought was that the Lord had a problem with ostentatious floral displays, but after Pope Francis’s announcement we realised that it must be all the bum stuff.

“Now I think about it we went to a lesbian wedding in 2018 and the buffet was devoured by a plague of locusts. But nobody minded too much because it was just flavoured hummus and carrot sticks.”

Hudson and Whittaker had intended to honeymoon in Hawaii, but sudden large-scale flooding has swept their hotel into the Pacific Ocean. They have since rebooked in a B&B in Huddersfield.

Wedding photographer Roy Hobbs said: “It’s bad, but I was at a straight wedding last week where the couple had their first dance to Bon Jovi, so things could always be worse.”

God said: “Personally I wish Josh and Ryan all the best. But them’s the rules.”

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Where all the money's gone, by Tommy Robinson

LIBERALS, who are the real racists, have accused me of spending my honest English patriot supporters’ money on booze and coke. Lies. Here’s where it went: 

A castle where whites can be safe

An Englishman’s home is his castle, and I am nothing if not an Englishman. I didn’t demand a 60,000 square foot home to live in. Those loyal to the red, white and blue demanded it for me, and it was my honour to live there. Also there’s a 32ft bouncy castle, but that’s for the kiddies. 

A submarine for patrolling English waters 

Our country’s under siege. You know this. And if our shores aren’t guarded we’ll be flooded with undesirables. I can’t say who because the media will twist my words. So I’ve been patrolling secretly in a submarine my mate Trev built in his garage. He’s got a bar inside, and you watch the underwater stuff on a 55-inch flatscreen. Yeah, we have a few cans, but sailors have always liked a drink. 

Blacking up

There’s nothing at all offensive about blackface. I’m reliably informed Trevor McDonald was The Black & White Minstrel Show’s biggest fan. So when the family needs entertaining and can’t watch the ‘diversity’ propaganda on the BBC, I black up and do a little show for them, proving I’m not racist once and for all. Not cheap though, boot polish. 

Blood purifier

In today’s Britain a white man can’t be sure his blood hasn’t been polluted. I’m not saying what with because I don’t have to, you’ve been on buses. So now and then I administer a special medicinal white powder into my bloodstream that purges all impurities from it. You’re soon buzzing with good health.

A film I’ve not finished yet

How do you win hearts and minds? As Hitler knew, with films. Not right about everything but he was a military genius. Anyway, I’ve been making a film with a patriotic theme in me bedroom with a green screen. It’s kind of a kung-fu action superhero sci-fi romance epic. I play Captain England, so you’ll all get your money back when Marvel buys it.