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Single woman enjoying three weeks of friendship with recently dumped pal

A SINGLE woman is feeling blessed to have three whole weeks of companionship with a friend who is between relationships. 

Charlotte Phelps, who has been kept in a friendship holding pattern for Lauren Hewitt for a decade, has suddenly found herself with an intimate so close she requires hourly texts and daily calls, all because of a dumping.

She said: “It’s great to see Lauren again, every night and all weekend, for three solid weeks of pedicures, sleepovers, and swearing off men.

“We’ve really renewed our bond, if you don’t count her never asking any questions about me. It’s like the whole last year never happened and we’re back where we were when her last twat cheated on her.

“I’m the karaoke I Will Survive of female friendships. I’ve learnt by heart the whole ‘you don’t need him, you’re a queen’ speech and can do the whole agreeing-what-a-bastard-he-is-at-3am while sleeping, literally.

“I’ll savour these drunken moments because I can time to the minute when Lauren’s going to meet a new guy and drop all this ‘I don’t need a man to define me, I’ll go to Japan by myself’ bollocks. Next bank holiday, May 26th.

“By June she’ll be no longer returning calls and be back to asking ‘And how are you?’ with a sympathetic 45-degree head tilt when I bump into her and the nondescript bloke she’s clinging to. Thank f**k. This is exhausting.”

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'I only find sparkling refreshing': Six water wankers who need to get a grip

WATER is, ultimately, water. Sadly that doesn’t stop some being incredibly particular about the hydration they need to live, like the following wankers: 

The ‘I only find sparkling refreshing’ wanker

The most common type. They’d happily drink their own urine if it was carbonated. Insisting the refreshing kick of sparkling water is better than an ice-cold Coke, in blatant contradiction of billions of dollars of marketing, they’re seemingly unable to taste the bitter chemical tang fizzy water always has. And refuse to describe it as ‘fizzy’.

The ‘unfiltered water will kill you’ wanker

Would put the freshest mountain spring through a purifier to eliminate the toxins they presumably believe hospitalise so many. Offered unfiltered water at a friend’s house, they have to refuse, preferring to rehydrate by sucking the moisture out of their own armpits than pollutes their bodies with a San Pellegrino.

The ‘unflavoured water is too bland’ wanker

This precious little prick needs H2O infused with orange zest or a hint of lemon, unable to see any purpose in drinking anything that isn’t delightfully fruity. Forget imbibing water to stay alive; what’s the point of staying alive without a teasing suggestion of peach?

The ‘measures the pH of their water’ wanker

Despite no compelling evidence that it offers any significant health benefits, will only drink alkaline water. Claims it neutralises stomach acid and that the inconvenience of carrying around a pH testing kit is worth it for stronger bones. Ironically, is the subject of acidic comments from all around for them and their litmus paper to f**k the f**k off.

The ‘only drinks tap water’ wanker

Believes shunning free council pop for expensive bottled alternatives is a bloody fool’s game. Crucially, tells everyone at every opportunity. If ever trapped on a train in the Lincolnshire countryside with the temperature at 40 degrees would still refuse to buy a Highland Spring from the trolley and would instead lap from the toilet. Probably your dad.

The ‘I have my own well’ wanker

Hugely impressed with themselves for having their very own aquifer. What this actually amounts to is a hole in their garden from which they extract gritty brown rainwater. Whether they die slowly of radon poisoning or swiftly of arsenic ingestion, you can tap the lid of their coffin and congratulate them on their wholly natural death.

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