Six classic arguments to have with your partner during the big shop

RUNNING low on ways to argue with your partner? Do the big shop together and step into these petty fights: 

‘We have that at home’

When your partner innocently reaches for a tin of chopped tomatoes, shoot them down by reminding them that you already have loads of them at home. They’ll feel like a humiliated child then make the valid point that stockpiling tinned food is a good idea in this economy. You’re both right, meaning you’ll never be able to move past your simmering resentment.

Buy too much crap

Filling the trolley with crisps and fizzy drinks instead of fruit and vegetables will cause your partner to sulk by the magazines for a bit. Unless you want your relationship to fall apart on the drive home, remind them that junk food contains the cheapest calories you can buy. Nobody can resist cost-effective smooth talking.

Disagree about brands

Your partner thinks demanding branded toilet paper makes you a decadent French duke, instead of someone who prefers not to scour their anus with Tesco value sandpaper. If you want this to be the last big shop you ever do together, point out that Tesco value is a brand in itself so their logic doesn’t hold up. Before long you’ll be buying meals for one.

Middle-aisle madness

You’re shopping on a tight budget, and even the slightest deviation could drive you into poverty. That’s why you should resist the urge to buy a set of archaeologists’ hammers or a telescopic gutter-cleaner from the middle aisle of Lidl. Although if you want to end your relationship but you’re too cowardly to say, go ahead.

Eat too many free samples

Your other half is a dignified sort who only nibbles on the smallest, crumb-sized samples the cheese counter has to offer. You, on the other hand, have been known to treat the bakery section like an all-you-can-eat buffet. The ensuing confrontation over your eating habits is a perfect case study of how opposites do not attract and are in fact doomed.

Browse idly

Shopping is easier when you memorise the floor plan and get in and out within half an hour. Therefore if you want to start an epic row, peel away from your partner and start aimlessly drifting around the aisles. When they finally catch up with you, say ‘so there you bloody are’ as if they were the one at fault. This should fuel arguments until the next big shop.

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Boris Johnson's moronic f**k ups, ranked!

FROM mishandling Covid to hiring Chris Pincher, these are the catastrophic errors made by Boris Johnson during his time in power, ranked.

Decorating 11 Downing Street with gold wallpaper

This is low down on the list because slapping gaudy £840-a-roll wallpaper on the walls of Number 11 was more Carrie’s fault than Boris’s. He did nothing to stop her though, and even withheld related messages about funding from his ethics adviser while blaming his newborn son in the process. Textbook parenting.

Backing Owen Paterson

In normal times, the decision to protect an MP who broke lobbying rules from suspension while simultaneously ripping up the Commons disciplinary process would be a prime minister’s defining scandal. However Boris Johnson’s reign was not normal times. This f**k up can’t be placed any higher because nobody died and he eventually U-turned.


The discovery that the prime minister and his staffers enjoyed multiple epic piss ups during lockdown was a galling affront to the sacrifices made by the rest of the country. As if that wasn’t bad enough, partygate led to closer scrutiny of the opposition and birthed Johnson’s most wince-inducing insult ‘Sir Beer Korma’.

Proroguing parliament

The prime minister broke the law when he suspended parliament for five weeks in 2019 so that Brexit legislation could avoid scrutiny. That’s a fact upheld by the Supreme Court. Nobody has officially come out and said he lied to the Queen in the process but it’s what everyone thinks, including the Queen probably. It would explain why she can’t be bothered to travel to London to wave him off.

Hiring Chris Pincher

In theory this should be number one in the rankings. The hiring of Chris Pincher by Boris Johnson – who knew the former deputy Chief Whip was related to allegations of sexual misconduct – ultimately led to his downfall. Yes, it was egregious, but it didn’t result in the death of 205,000 people so it has to take second place.

Mishandling Covid

A multi-car pileup of ineptitude from start to finish. First there was the missed COBRA meetings, then there was the delayed lockdowns, the Barnard Castle affair and a close shave with death prompted by his own stupidity. It defies logic that he can say he got all the big calls right when he was the architect of one of the worst public health failures in British history. Although Jeremy Corbyn should also take some of the blame for not beating Johnson in the election.