The bank, and other places it's acceptable to throw a wobbly

AS a mature adult you should keep your emotions in check and never lose your shit in public. Except when you visit these places:

The bank

After scouring Google Maps and walking four miles to find an open branch, you’ll be greeted by a cheery advisor who informs you that you need to make an appointment to see a specialist advisor for your banking needs, and they are unavailable for the next four weeks. You blow your top and are barred from the branch, meaning you have to walk nine miles to find one next time.

The Jobcentre

You enter hoping to find meaningful employment, and within five minutes you have been stripped of your dignity and are ablaze with rage. The only job available is at a fish processing plant an hour’s drive from your house and they want you to work the 11pm to 5am shift. You begrudgingly fill in the ludicrously long form, only to be informed when you return it to the desk that the role has been filled, sorry. You understandably lose your rag, and end up in a Daily Mail article about attacks on security guards.

The beach

A day out at the beach will be lovely, you think, and this delusion lasts all the way until you almost get in a fight in the car park for allegedly nicking someone’s space. When you finally arrive on the sand it’s too hot, you can’t swim because the water’s full of sewage and you get hit in the face with a frisbee. Cue you screaming at seagulls to f**k off, terrifying small children and being decked by a similarly sweating and pissed off dad.

The cinema

Going to see the latest Marvel epic on its opening weekend seems like a fun idea, but in reality you’ll be surrounded by teenagers who are texting their mate two rows back and won’t turn off the pinging notification sound. Factor in the woman sitting next to you browsing Amazon with her screen brightness turned up full and the kid behind kicking the back of your chair, and you’ll be throwing your popcorn at the screen and shouting obscenities before you can say ‘banned for life’.

The car

The car is the best arena to lose your shit in because it feels private, even though everyone else in the queue at the Tesco mini roundabout can very clearly see you. The main thing is to stay in the car and, after you’ve wound down the window and called a man in a Range Rover Evoque a ‘stupid bellend driving a car specifically designed for wankers’, lock the doors.

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About time we had a sexual misconduct scandal, Tories agree

SENIOR Tories have welcomed accusations of sexual misconduct against a cabinet minister and aide on the grounds that it’s been months.

The news that the minister and the senior aide were kept in post despite allegations of assault and groping has seen many in the party sigh with relief at getting back on track.

Conservative grandee Denys Finch Hatton said: “It’s been a bugger of a summer. Inflation, terrible policing, strikes – failing in all those areas where Tories traditionally excel.

“So thank God we’ve dug deep and found ourselves a good honest sex scandal. At a time on national crisis it’s a much-needed reaffirmation of the Conservative brand. Telling voters exactly what we stand for.

“And what a gift to Boris. Over the next 72 hours I expect he’ll consider the matter closed, accept an apology, consider the matter closed, sack the men in question, consider the matter closed, bow to pressure and order an inquiry then refuse to discuss it because there’s an inquiry. It’s like his greatest hits.

“This should really boost us in the polls. You’d never see Labour behind a sex scandal like this. They haven’t got the balls.”