Are you more qualified to present MasterChef than Gregg Wallace?

YOU probably assume Gregg Wallace is a top chef, but he’s actually a former greengrocer masquerading as a cooking expert. Are you more qualified to present Masterchef than he is?

Can you cook?

Gregg Wallace never cooks on Masterchef, he just watches other people do it while occasionally calling out ‘Luverly!’ like the former Covent Garden barrow boy he actually is. If you can make a Pot Noodle without causing a minor house fire, you’re more of a kitchen wizard than him.

Have you ever eaten in a restaurant?

Aside from the fake ones they set up for the Masterchef final, Gregg has never eaten in a restaurant, as he’s more comfortable in a greasy spoon or down the boozer. If you’ve ever been to a proper, classy restaurant, like Nando’s or Wagamama, you’ve got the upper hand on Mr Wallace.

Are you carrying a few extra pounds?

Anyone who genuinely loves eating would be a bit overweight, right? Then how come Gregg recently lost four stone and says he is striving to have ‘the body of a 20-year-old’? No genuine foodie would eschew cooking in favour of exercise, so you’re definitely more qualified than that lean, toned gym bunny.

Do you have a sugar addiction?

Gregg adores sweet things and takes particular pride in his pudding judgement. But, once the sugar hits, his ability to think critically vanishes and Gregg believes every dessert is a perfect ten. If you can retain your senses while eating a tarte tatin with lashings of custard, you’ve got him beat.

Can you express an opinion without hearing John Torode say it first?

Some aspects of Masterchef are a given, which makes it easy for Gregg: fondant puddings always fail to be gooey and rack of lamb is always underdone. For anything else, he can just parrot the opinion of co-host John Torode, who is a real chef and knows his stuff. If you have the confidence to say ‘Shut up John, that f**king raw, not rare’ you should take Gregg’s place immediately.

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Six things ladies must never, ever do. By a sexist twat

I THINK I speak for all men when I say ladies should be fragrant, delicate creatures with a hint of the startled fawn about them. Here are my rules for the fairer sex. By Martin Bishop.

Get drunk

There’s literally nothing worse than seeing a woman drunk. It’s unladylike, common and deeply intimidating. What sort of man wants to spend time with an inebriated woman who’s laughing all the time and being flirtatious? Not me, I can tell you.

Wear trousers

There’s only one outfit a lady should be seen in – a pretty floral dress. Trousers are so ugly, and hide their lovely slender legs. Some would say it’s the only practical attire in certain jobs like policewoman. But it is really a good idea to have lady policemen in the first place, struggling to park their police cars properly and arresting innocent people because they’re on their period?

Say you are going to the toilet

In a restaurant, a true lady will simply say ‘Excuse me’ or disappear without saying anything. No man likes to imagine them performing vile bodily functions, so act at all times as though you lack a bladder, urethra and genitals. It’s the best way to maintain your feminine mystique.

Breaking wind

Even if a lady breaks wind by accident, they should immediately leave the social gathering and remain at home until the shameful incident has – hopefully – been forgotten, probably between four and six months. Obviously this does not apply to men, for whom breaking wind confidently asserts their masculinity and is hilariously funny.

Disagree with a man

A man will know what to watch on TV or the best sort of takeaway to get due to his larger brain. That’s simply evolution. And if he’s wrong about something it is a lady’s duty to back him up. If he says ‘Did you know the earth is actually a cube?’, say ‘Gosh, I hope we don’t slide off.’ Your relationship will be so much better if you force yourself to act like an imbecile 24/7.

Chew gum

A disgusting habit, for women. You look like a big filthy cow vacantly chewing the cud while shitting constantly. Scarlett Johansson could come round to my flat right now wanting sex, and if she was chewing gum I’d say no. Admittedly the chances of having sex with Ms Johansson are fairly low, which is a shame because I haven’t had a shag for eight years. I can’t think why.