The five best household chores to do so your partner gets the shit ones

WANT to skive off household chores? Do these just-about-tolerable ones to show you’re doing your bit while your partner gets stuck with properly shit tasks.

Do the cooking, but leave the washing up

Cooking really is not that bad, particularly when you can dirty as many pans, bowls and utensils as you like, safe in the knowledge that it will be your partner doing the washing up. That’s far more of a pain in the arse, but you’ve cooked a ‘lovely’ meal so they can’t touch you.

Wash the outside of the car. Ignore the inside

On a sunny day, it’s almost enjoyable to get outside and give the car a good wash while humming away tunelessly. However the inside means getting the hoover and extension lead out and struggling to clean hard-to-reach areas where the kids have dropped all sorts of disgusting gunk. Leave that to your loved one.

Hoover the carpeted rooms, then mention the tiled floors

Scooting around a carpeted room with a hoover need only take a few minutes. But mention that the kitchen floor and bathroom still need to be done, requiring someone to scrub away at a grubby, sticky surface with a mop or get on their knees and wipe the floor. How fortunate that you have already done your bit.

Wipe the surfaces, avoid the fridge and oven

Hell would have to freeze over before you’d scrub the grime-coated oven clean, or go through the ordeal of emptying out the fridge to clean the shelves and sides. Make sure to wipe the more accessible kitchen surfaces before sitting down looking exhausted and asking your partner: ‘Is it just me, or is the fridge a bit smelly?’

Put the washing machine on, then ask if the wash might have finished

Dumping an overfilled washing basket into the machine is relatively easy. But make a big fuss about it, then as you hear the cycle end, ask your partner if they think it’s finished yet. When they go to check, your trap is sprung and you won’t be the one faffing around with the clothes horse and trying to cram five jumpers onto a couple of radiators.

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Six reasons why we must never 'find the new Oasis'

PEOPLE have complained that the 20-something generation has failed to produce an Oasis-style Britpop sensation. Here’s why that’s the last thing the world needs.

Encouraging twats to have ‘attitude’

Oasis excelled at meaningless rock star posturing. Who was Liam flicking the Vs at all the time, exactly? The new Oasis would have to do the same, swear a lot and have a deeply tedious rivalry with another band.

More Union Jack backdrops

Oasis were all about flying the British flag ironically. Okay, maybe half-ironically. Who knows what it meant? Everyone’s probably had enough of nonsense about flags at the moment, though.

Noel Gallagher would be saying they were a rip-off

Self-confessed Beatles obsessive Noel would immediately lay into Oasis 2 for being shite compared to Oasis 1. And he’d be right, especially if their songs became increasingly samey and the lyrics were vague rock anthem babble.

A new wave of Britpop hype

Someone would probably call it ‘Britpop 2.0’ or something equally cringey. Every magazine cover would feature the new Oasis looking trying to look deep, and we’d all be treated to Oasis 2 meeting Boris and Carrie. 

Who’d want to be nostalgic about the early 2020s?

One of Oasis’s functions is to whisk us back to the alleged euphoria of the mid-90s. But who’d want a group that, years later, reminds us of being stuck in a room with a malfunctioning Zoom connection?

They’d be shit

This is important to remember. If Oasis were a tepid dilution of The Beatles, then the new Oasis would be a stone-cold homeopathic dose of bugger all.