Monday, 19th April 2021

Do you need an SUV or do you live in Kensington?

ARE your days spent driving up mountains while dragging a horsebox, or do you want a car so needlessly big your spoilt kids can’t kick the back of your seat? Find out with this quiz.

Where do you live?

A) In a tent halfway up a mountain that’s so remote it doesn’t even appear on any maps.

B) In an eye-wateringly expensive mansion surrounded by half-a-dozen tube stations that are each a minute’s walk away.

Why do you drive?

A) To transport fuel, perishables and livestock to my isolated dwelling.

B) To avoid breathing the same air as the hoi polloi who I wish I could hunt for sport. And the school run.

Who’s in the back seat?

A) A mountain goat who is my oldest friend and only companion, not to mention my most convenient source of milk.

B) My ungrateful, brattish kids who will one day inherit the wealth I worked hard to have handed down to me.

Where do you park?

A) Anywhere I like, I’m the only human being to be found in these five square kilometres of the countryside.

B) On a congested street, between two cars I’ve dented, or blocking the pavement, forcing pedestrians to walk in the road and get hit by buses, Deliveroo riders and more SUVs.

What are you currently driving?

A) A clapped-out old ambulance that looks like it was probably a leftover from some long-forgotten war.

B) A monstrously large hatchback which is bigger than some of the bedsits in my property empire. But I’m looking to downsize.


Mostly As: Probably couldn’t hurt to splash out on an SUV.

Mostly Bs: You don’t need an SUV, you need a f**king reality check.