Do you need an SUV or do you live in Kensington?

ARE your days spent driving up mountains while dragging a horsebox, or do you want a car so needlessly big your spoilt kids can’t kick the back of your seat? Find out with this quiz.

Where do you live?

A) In a tent halfway up a mountain that’s so remote it doesn’t even appear on any maps.

B) In an eye-wateringly expensive mansion surrounded by half-a-dozen tube stations that are each a minute’s walk away.

Why do you drive?

A) To transport fuel, perishables and livestock to my isolated dwelling.

B) To avoid breathing the same air as the hoi polloi who I wish I could hunt for sport. And the school run.

Who’s in the back seat?

A) A mountain goat who is my oldest friend and only companion, not to mention my most convenient source of milk.

B) My ungrateful, brattish kids who will one day inherit the wealth I worked hard to have handed down to me.

Where do you park?

A) Anywhere I like, I’m the only human being to be found in these five square kilometres of the countryside.

B) On a congested street, between two cars I’ve dented, or blocking the pavement, forcing pedestrians to walk in the road and get hit by buses, Deliveroo riders and more SUVs.

What are you currently driving?

A) A clapped-out old ambulance that looks like it was probably a leftover from some long-forgotten war.

B) A monstrously large hatchback which is bigger than some of the bedsits in my property empire. But I’m looking to downsize.


Mostly As: Probably couldn’t hurt to splash out on an SUV.

Mostly Bs: You don’t need an SUV, you need a f**king reality check.

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Things you won't see in the Buckingham Palace gardens you wish you could

IF you visit the gardens of Buckingham Palace this summer, is it too much to ask to see a live rerun of It’s A Royal Knockout? Here’s what you should be able to look at.

The Fergie-sucking-on-a-toe experience

The most interesting royal moments are the ones we only get to see in a grainy picture on the front page of The Sun. A re-enactment of a minor Royal having her feet orally pleasured by Texan millionaire is crass but it’s more exciting than looking at a statue of the Queen Mother.

It’s A Royal Knockout

It was truly demented to watch the children of the Queen take part in a series of absurd physical games the first time round, so they probably won’t rerun it in the gardens. And there probably wouldn’t be much chance of Prince Andrew being in charge this time.

An illegal corgi fight

It’s likely that the Queen breeds Corgis to battle in an aristocratic canine version of Fight Club, but royal staff keep quiet about it or get their heads chopped off. You won’t be able to witness it but you might hear the snarling in the distance while you eat your sandwiches on the lawn.

Prince Andrew’s secret shed

As David Cameron proved, you can make all the mistakes you made go away by moving into a posh shepherd’s hut for five years and ignoring everything. Prince Andrew’s has a special FBI warning bell which enables you to vanish quickly if they want to ‘ask some questions’.

The Queen’s personal McDonald’s

The royals have habits they prefer to keep quiet, and the Queen is probably fond of an upmarket Maccie D. All Buckingham Palace garden visitors should be able to order a Big Mac with venison or swan patties and chow down in the regal style of our head of state.