OBVIOUSLY your parents had sex in order to make you, but that doesn’t mean they’re prolific shaggers. These are definitely the only other times they did it.
On their honeymoon
And even this was mainly out of obligation. All their friends and family had wished your parents well at their wedding and waved them off to a long weekend in Tenerife, fully expecting them to do the deed at least once. It would have been rude to let them down, especially as they had to hire suits and sacrifice one of their Saturday afternoons.
When they made your siblings
Your brothers and sisters had to come from somewhere, and your parents aren’t patient enough to fill out adoption papers. Instead they made them the old-fashioned way, which is too horrific for you to imagine. But it did happen though. And if you’ve got a large family, clearly they somewhat enjoyed the nightmarish process as well.
On your dad’s birthday
Don’t be so arrogant as to think you invented the concept of birthday sex. Your dad had hit upon that genius idea before you were even born and has been taking full advantage of it ever since. It’s the highlight of his calendar year, with the return of Formula 1 coming second. Don’t worry, he repays the favour on your mum’s birthday by giving her an Emma Bridgewater mug.
Christmas 1983
It was an erotic time. The Flying Pickets were number one in the charts and there was a Two Ronnies Christmas special on BBC One. How were your parents supposed to keep their hands off each other when surrounded by these perverted delights? Maybe you had to be there to understand. It was a simpler, pre-Pornhub age.
On their first date
Sorry to shatter the illusion that your mum and dad abstained during their courting like a pair of massive prudes. No, they indulged in every position imaginable within minutes of meeting. Missionary, doggy, reverse cowgirl, you name it, they did it. That’s why they didn’t bang as much since then, they were utterly shagged out. The skanks.
