The only five times your parents ever had sex

OBVIOUSLY your parents had sex in order to make you, but that doesn’t mean they’re prolific shaggers. These are definitely the only other times they did it.

On their honeymoon

And even this was mainly out of obligation. All their friends and family had wished your parents well at their wedding and waved them off to a long weekend in Tenerife, fully expecting them to do the deed at least once. It would have been rude to let them down, especially as they had to hire suits and sacrifice one of their Saturday afternoons.

When they made your siblings

Your brothers and sisters had to come from somewhere, and your parents aren’t patient enough to fill out adoption papers. Instead they made them the old-fashioned way, which is too horrific for you to imagine. But it did happen though. And if you’ve got a large family, clearly they somewhat enjoyed the nightmarish process as well.

On your dad’s birthday

Don’t be so arrogant as to think you invented the concept of birthday sex. Your dad had hit upon that genius idea before you were even born and has been taking full advantage of it ever since. It’s the highlight of his calendar year, with the return of Formula 1 coming second. Don’t worry, he repays the favour on your mum’s birthday by giving her an Emma Bridgewater mug.

Christmas 1983

It was an erotic time. The Flying Pickets were number one in the charts and there was a Two Ronnies Christmas special on BBC One. How were your parents supposed to keep their hands off each other when surrounded by these perverted delights? Maybe you had to be there to understand. It was a simpler, pre-Pornhub age.

On their first date

Sorry to shatter the illusion that your mum and dad abstained during their courting like a pair of massive prudes. No, they indulged in every position imaginable within minutes of meeting. Missionary, doggy, reverse cowgirl, you name it, they did it. That’s why they didn’t bang as much since then, they were utterly shagged out. The skanks.

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'LIN-E-KERRR!' howls Tory voter

A CONSERVATIVE voter is yet again shaking his fists at the heavens that somehow permitted Gary Lineker to express a political opinion.

The football commentator has continued his unceasing assault on public decency by daring to defend himself when attacked by Conservative MPs, when he should stand there unmoving like a Royal guardsman.

Steve Malley of Norwich said: “Lineker! Again! Gaaaah! When will it end?

“First he signs an open letter supporting refugees, which is against the law, the BBC charter and FA regulations, then he brazenly answers back to his elected betters! Does he not realise Jonathan Gullis is a mere vessel for the public will?

“This new BBC chairman claims he’ll tame him, but I’m sceptical. Lineker cannot be tamed. He is too virulent, too mischievous, to be held down. He haunts me. I wake up screaming his name at 4am.

“Why must he have views? Why can he not stick to football? Why must he say ‘Salah haring through on goal there, he’s a Muslim so he’s better than you’ in the commentary of my imagination? Why does he torture Britain so?”

He added: “And why can’t Michael Owen come out as a white supremacist and unapologetic fascist? For balance?”