Sexy shaved fanny like flea infestation

A WOMAN who shaved her pubic hair has found that any erotic value is cancelled out by the itching red fire in her knickers. 

Nikki Hollis, 25, decided to shave off her pubic hair on a whim one evening, but was blissfully unaware of the anguish that would follow.

She said: “I was shaving my legs in the bath and thought my fanny hair was looking a bit Tracy Beaker. 

“Every woman knows men think women are sexier with no hair. So, without thinking, I covered it all in shaving foam and got to work. It was quite fiddly and took about 15 minutes all in. That’s when the horrors began.

“The first thing was the razor burn. It’s bad enough on your legs, but my vag felt like it was on fire, and not in a good way. Then the hair started to grow back. Imagine a red ants’ nest appearing on your genitals, and they’re all really angry. You’re still not even close. 

“I had to keep subtly scratching my groin in Asda. I must have looked dodgy as f**k and the woman on the checkout certainly gave me a disgusted look. I wouldn’t mind but my boyfriend scratches his dick in public all the time and apparently that’s lovely.”

Hollis’ boyfriend Nathan Muir said: “I’ve never expressed an opinion on Nikki’s pubic hair. If she’s up for sex, I’m not asking questions. But if you must know it’s like f**king sandpaper.”

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Wales: Is it time to close it down?

AS the Welsh first minister resigns, many feel that Wales was a brave experiment that has sadly failed. Here Charlotte Phelps and Huw Davies debate whether it should be shut down.


Charlotte: Wales has produced Welsh rarebit. Have I missed anything? Cawl. Which is lamb and potato stew. Heston Blumenthal must be shitting himself.

Huw: Don’t forget leeks. Admittedly it’s a bit sad to base your national identity on a giant spring onion.

Sexual satisfaction 

Charlotte: Wales isn’t really a place you go to get laid, and there’s no Welsh equivalent of the Kama Sutra – except maybe the ‘Baa-ma Sutra’.

Huw: Wales is extremely sexy. There’s Katherine Jenkins, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and of course the original ‘sex bomb’ Tom Jones. What lady doesn’t want sex with a man who openly dips his knob in Listerine for hygiene reasons? I’m afraid Welshmen having sex with sheep is just a popular myth. Bottlenose dolphins are the real goers.


Charlotte: As any English holidaymaker knows, the only weather in Wales is rain. You’d be drier if you just kept driving into the Irish Sea. I genuinely believe it’s a conspiracy by the amusement arcades.

Huw: I admit we do get quite a few showers in Wales, but that could be solved with a huge perspex lid running from Llandudno to Barry. Granted it would resemble the sci-fi thriller Under The Dome, but we’re used to nightmarish dystopias. Look at Swansea.

Scientific discoveries

Charlotte: Wales invented the spare wheel and Pot Noodles. It’s not quite the atom bomb and the home computer, is it?

Huw: Pot Noodles were a quantum leap in nutrition for people too f**k-idle to use a toaster. Wales also invented the microphone, without which karaoke would just be a senseless cacophony of people shouting tunelessly in a pub. A Welshman thought of the symbol for the mathematical ratio Pi, which is loads of fun. You can calculate the area of a circle, work it out to 100 decimal places, determine the volume of a pipe – the possibilities are endless.


Charlotte: So this Drakeford guy no one knows from Adam has resigned, and the only other Welsh politician I know is Neil Kinnock. It doesn’t fill you with confidence when someone’s nickname is ‘the Welsh Windbag’.

Huw: Well, there was Aneurin Bevan. And we’re still less likely to privatise air than England.

Cultural contribution

Charlotte: Rhys Ifans. Ivor the Engine. I think that’s it.

Huw: I’m afraid you’re wrong there, Charlotte. Wales is a cultural hub responsible for Gorky’s Zygotic Mynki, Mr Nice, Sian Lloyd, Torchwood and the entire Doctor Who renaissance. Everyone loves discussing how Russell T Davies just keeps making the show better and better!

Final words

Charlotte: It seems to me Wales hasn’t done much of note since Pobol Y Cwm. Probably best to put it out of its misery.

Huw: As a proud Welshman and spiritual descendant of the great warrior king Owain Glyndŵr, I agree. Personally I would like to see us reinvent our national greatness for the 21st century by becoming the world’s largest B&Q.