The straight man's guide to telling other straight men you love them

DO you love your mates but feel unable to tell them in case they somehow think you’re less of a man? Here’s how to express your affection in a masculine way: 

Viciously insult them instead of saying ‘hello’

Approaching your best friend and saying ‘Alright, you f**king bollock-faced knob jockey’ is equivalent to saying ‘Hello, my most treasured friend.’ Don’t try it on your wife, girlfriend or female friends though, as it just doesn’t translate the same.

Say something nice about their car

If you can’t say something loving directly to them, say something loving about something they love. A brief and manly ‘Nice rims, mate’ whilst appraising their car will make you both feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Hug them whilst playing sport

It is acceptable for men to hug each other effusively when celebrating a sporting victory. Piling on each other after scoring a goal is for some reason fine, whilst in any other context it could be described as a ‘cuddle puddle’ and frowned upon.

Get drunk and punch them

The only other time men are allowed to touch each other is when they get pissed, have a massive argument about whether Sweet Child O’ Mine has a better solo than November Rain, then grapple each other. Whilst apparently violent, it’s actually just an opportunity to have an aggressively loving hug in the gutter.

Wait until they’re dead

Once a male friend has died, it’s totally fine to get sentimentally shitfaced and tell your other friends how much you loved him. You’ll have to wait until those other friends are dead to tell them you love them, though, or they’ll laugh at you.

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The toddler's guide to making everyone's life hell

NEED to make everyone around you lose the will to live? Infuriating toddler James Bates explains how to push people over the edge.

Smash stuff

The world contains two types of objects: those that smash and those that do the smashing. It’s your life’s mission to determine which is which, although the floor usually works best. Don’t be afraid to test mummy’s iPhone, it could be great for both.

Refuse to be dressed

Being free to run around naked is your human right. If anyone tries to wrestle you into a pair of dungarees with a dinosaur on, simply squirm out of their grasp like a slippery eel and dash away as fast as you can. Particularly effective in the morning and before long car journeys.

Scream

Don’t worry, you don’t need a reason. When the mood takes you just start bawling your head off and refuse to stop no matter how much people try to placate you. And boy will they try. I like to do this on plane journeys, or just anywhere, really.

Draw on everything

You don’t just have to draw on paper. My research shows that marker pens work just as well on walls, faces and designer handbags. Like all the great artists your work won’t be appreciated in its time, but your idle, meaningless scribbles will definitely liven the place up a bit.

Ask ‘Why?’

Why is daddy sitting on the toilet for hours? Why is mummy opening another bottle of wine? These are just some of the many, many questions that need answering. Not that they’ll quench your thirst for knowledge, in fact they’ll just spawn more annoying questions. Why is mummy looking so tired and angry? You have a right to know.