Sunday, 1st November 2020

Woodland porn magazine populations facing extinction

A NEW campaign is aiming to bring back discarded pornographic magazines to Britain’s woodlands.

Porn mags were once a common sight in UK woods but since the advent of high-speed broadband and virus-free porn websites, populations have been in rapid decline. 

Campaigner Martin Bishop said: “For generations, a trip to the woods was an opportunity for birdwatching, den-building and frenzied wanking to soggy copies of Men Only discovered in the bushes.

“The internet has taken a huge toll on magazine numbers. Rarities such as Gorgeous Grannies, Megajugs and Steaming Fetishes now face total extinction.”

The campaign hopes to reverse the trend by encouraging retro porn magazine collectors to donate copies and leave them under a fir tree in the nearest wooded area.

Bishop added: “If collectors can spare just one copy, they could prevent future generations missing out on seeing their first tits and muff in a damp and possibly sticky jazz mag.”  

Former teenage masturbator Tom Logan said: “Spotting your first mucky mag hiding in the trees by some tissues like a kingfisher or a red squirrel is a thrill you can only get in the wild.”