'Believe in me now, bitch?' asks Covid

COVID-19 has asked President Trump if he still thinks it is ‘just the flu’ that ‘will vanish on its own’ now. 

The virus, which has infected the president and first lady Melania Trump, hopes that the couple can hear it saying ‘Now who’s the fake news, dickheads?’ from inside their bloodstreams. 

It continued: “Remember saying ‘One day, it’s like a miracle, it will disappear?’. You’d better f**king hope so, huh? 

“Sorry to get all attacking your lungs and breathing capacity about this, but sometimes you need to make your point in person. When you’ve been insulted. 

“What’s that I see fussing around your fat, old coronavirus-infected body? Doctors? But I thought you were a natural born medical genius. What do you need them for? Can’t cure me yourself?

“Who’s not worth wearing a mask for now? Who’s not worth cancelling your rallies for now? Who’s not afraid of coronavirus now, bitch? 

“Man this feels good. Hope I don’t get carried away.” 

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Trump optimistic after massive injection of bleach

DONALD Trump is being injected with a litre of bleach which will cure his Coronavirus.  

The president said he would be fine by tomorrow as his daughter and new personal physician Ivanka Trump erected a crude drip that will flood his circulatory system with floor cleaner.  

Trump said: “I’m getting the very best bleach here, it’s presidential grade bleach that just cleans out everything. Very top quality injecting bleach.  

“Then I’ll have a handful of those mosquito pills and some snacks, and be back on the golf course tomorrow afternoon.

“It’s no big deal. If you look at Boris, he seems really healthy now. To look at him you’d never know he’d even had it.”

He added: “I’d like to thank my medical team and also any obscure white supremacist groups with a vote to spare.”

Immunologist Dr Susan Traherne said: “Only time will tell, but apart from rank stupidity the factors against Donald Trump here are his age, weight and the collective prayers of several billion people.”