Virgin comics fan prefers to keep penis in mint condition

A NERD who has never had sex says being a virgin is a deliberate choice to keep his genitals in perfect, re-sellable condition.

26-year-old Ryan Whittaker is highly skilled at hunting down rare issues of vintage superhero comics, but has been less successful at finding a woman.

He explained: “When I was younger, I was miserable about not finding my own Mary Jane Watson. It felt like getting a girlfriend was even harder than finding The Amazing Spider-Man #28.

“But I’ve realised that not having sex has kept me in perfect, unsullied condition. Save for the ravages of puberty, I’m just as I was the day I was issued. Just like my shelf of over 400 pristine comics from the Marvel Golden Age.

“I guess it’s slightly different because you can’t have sex with a comic book. Believe me, I’ve tried. With the protective sleeve on, of course, I’m not mental.”

Whittaker has found that thinking of himself as a collector’s item has improved his self-esteem and given him the confidence to try new things, such as going to a different branch of Forbidden Planet.

However Whittaker’s mother Susan said she was disappointed he has stopped pursuing women and resolved to stay a virgin.

She said: “It means he won’t be moving out any time soon. I wouldn’t call it ‘mint condition’ either. He hasn’t showered for three weeks.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Are you on Jeffrey Epstein's client list? Take our quiz

A MASSIVE scandal is breaking as the list of Jeffrey Epstein’s associates is gradually released. So should you be concerned? Take our quiz and find out.

How do you normally meet women?

A) Mostly through friends. I’m on Tinder but it’s a bit of a waste of time, frankly.

B) I go through the photographs and pick out which 17-year-old I’m going to have sex with while hoping she doesn’t cry or start droning on about becoming a model.

What turns you on sexually?

A) I have to admit I like it when my girlfriend wears stockings. That and blowjobs, obviously.

B) Mainly my partner being a lot younger. If they’re too young to remember Grange Hill, that’s good with me. If they look as if they should be on Grange Hill, even better.

What do you do for a living?

A) I work in logistics for a major high street retailer. I don’t think anyone would call it thrilling, but the people in the office are nice and I’ve become a dab hand at spreadsheets.

B) Make videos dressed as a singing werewolf.

Have you ever been on holiday to an island?

A) Yes, I went to Jersey with my mum and dad. We had fish and chips most days and I saw a giant tortoise in the zoo.

B) Yes, about 20 or 30 times. Somewhere in the Virgin Islands, which is appropriate because virgins are very much my thing.

Are you a member of the Royal Family?

A) No. Supposedly one of my ancestors was a 17th century lord who lost everything playing cards, but every family has a bullshit story like that. 

B) Well, everyone calls me ‘Prince Such-and-such’ and I get a free mansion and loads of money from the civil list. Also the King is my dad, so I suppose you could say I dabble in the royal scene.

When you heard about Epstein’s list being released, how did you react? 

A) I immediately went on Twitter to find out who had been named.

B) I immediately went on Google to search for ‘countries without an extradition treaty with the US’.

What’s your idea of the perfect day?

A) A lie-in with my partner on Saturday morning, a nice pub lunch then a bottle of wine and a good film in the evening.

B) Getting off the plane, making small talk with Peter Mandelson and Bill Gates, eating a lobster, necking a load of Viagra and banging teenagers until 2am.

Are you a former President of the United States known for his wandering eye and a sex act involving a cigar?

A) No, I think I’d remember that.

B) Maybe. Who’s asking?

Mostly As. You’re not incredibly rich and haven’t been to Epstein’s island, so you’ve got nothing to worry about, unless you’ve forgotten having sex with loads of underage teenage girls, which, as we’re probably about to find out from Epstein’s chums, is surprisingly easy to do.

Mostly Bs. Oh dear. It looks like you’re on Epstein’s list. If you’re able to make things disappear, like a certain popular showbiz magician, now’s a good time to try it on yourself.