Kayleigh, Rhiannon, Jolene: Which iconic song was on when your parents were f**king?

WERE you cursed with a name that was the backing track to your conception? Even if you weren’t, pity these people named after hits no one will ever forget.


Written and performed by poppy prog-rock band Marillion, this song relates to lyricist Fish’s inability to form lasting relationships. Due to your parents shagging through this tale of woe you’re now lumbered with having to convince every date that you don’t share his fear of commitment. And that you’re not into Marillion.


If you’re called Eileen, you were most likely conceived in the loo or round the back of a social club during a wedding reception. You’ve no doubt had Come on Eileen sung at you all your life, and due to Dexy’s Midnight Runners’ stage clothing, had to deny multiple times that you own dungarees, live in a squat or work as a ‘tinker’.

Billie Jean

Unless your parents were fans of 70s pioneering LGBT+ tennis player Billie Jean King, then you were named after a Michael Jackson song in which he consistently denies having a relationship with a woman and fathering her child. Hmm. Considering the track record of Wacko Jacko and kids, it might be less embarrassing to say your parents were shagging during Wimbledon and you narrowly avoided being called Navratilova.


Surely your parents were in no doubt that the song was about a man attempting to save a woman from life on the streets? If it wasn’t bad enough being named after a prostitute, all your life people will hilariously have reminded you that ‘you don’t have to put on the red light’. Plus there’s the embarrassment of knowing your parents were hugely into Sting.


Although Rhiannon is a major figure in Welsh mythology, your parents gave you this name because they were big fans of Fleetwood Mac. So you’re the progeny of MOR classic rock fans, or drug-taking hippies. At least they weren’t so off their heads they named you Albatross, although it would be appropriate now you’re hassling them for the deposit for a house in your 30s.


You wonder if you were named after a great grandparent, or possibly even the Prince song Diamonds and Pearls. Wrong on both counts. You were given this name due to your parents humping to the 70s hit Pearl’s A Singer by Elkie Brooks, about a tragic club singer whose ambitions to make it big were never fulfilled. You’re not a singer, and you can’t play the piano, but you’re in no way successful, so your parents go that bit right.


There’s no escaping the fact that you’ve been named after a Dolly Parton song. ‘Your beauty is beyond compare / With flaming locks of auburn hair’ is a hell of a lot to live up to, and female acquaintances will enjoy joking about you stealing their man ‘just because you can’, which is a bit insulting if Jeff is a paunchy work bore you wouldn’t shag in several million years. Yes, as a musical form country and western has a lot to answer for, as your brother Sue will attest.

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Bitching about others behind their backs counts as a hobby, claim women

SECRETLY slagging people off is in fact a hobby and not a toxic behaviour, women have asserted.

They feel that privately exchanging snide, withering comments about family members and mutual friends is actually a wholesome feminine pastime like needlepoint or flower arranging, and does not deserve its bad reputation.

Woman Donna Sheridan said: “Don’t listen to what that cow with a face like a slapped arse in accounts says. I bitch in my spare time as well, which means it’s a bona fide hobby.

“When I’m not bitching about my best friend’s wedding dress I’m bitching about my mother-in-law’s driving or my husband’s underwhelming sexual performance. I’ve easily clocked up over 10,000 hours which means I’m an expert bitcher, so I know what I’m talking about.

“And unlike other hobbies you don’t need expensive gear to bitch – just having cutting opinions and the ability to form sentences. No wonder bitching is the number one hobby among women around the world.”

Ellie Shaw from Dumfries said: “Trying to shame bitching is yet another example of patriarchal oppression. If men weren’t so insecure about saying their mate’s hair looked shit behind their back they’d see for themselves how fun it is.

“Similarly, getting mad at boyfriends for glancing at their phones when we spend all day glued to ours is a hobby too. And if you don’t believe us you’re part of the problem.”