Reasons to do Dry January, ranked from smug superiority to health benefits

DECIDED not to drink for a month? Here are the best reasons to do so, from being insufferably pleased with yourself right down to trivial benefits like living longer.

Smug superiority

The reason most people choose to do Dry January is to prove how much better they are than those who can’t get through the misery of deepest winter without booze. The worst are the ones who get so high from the constant feeling of smugness they carry on into February while never shutting up about it. With just a bit of commitment you can be like those twats. Go for it.

Not making a tit of yourself

If you got so pissed over Christmas you embarrassed yourself in front of your boss, your mum, your partner or strangers on the street, Dry January will look like an attractive idea. But all that will happen is that by the time you start drinking again in February your tolerance will be so low that a single pint of Stella will have you mooning a passing police car the second you leave the pub.

Being less of a fat bastard

Having ploughed into the pigs-in-blankets and Celebrations over Christmas, you’ve tried to put your work trousers back on this week and found them worryingly tight. The easiest way to counter this overindulgence is by swearing off the booze. At least until around January 10th, when you crack and open a bottle of wine, then have to feel guilty on top of feeling chubby.

Checking to see if you’re a borderline alcoholic

Getting concerned you like a drink a bit too much? Dry January is a great way to test whether you can easily go for four weeks without booze, or if you spend every evening fantasising about cracking open a cold cider. If you find yourself secretly necking one in the airing cupboard, then you should probably look at stopping forever.

Saving some cash

As your post-Christmas bank balance will clearly show, alcohol is very expensive, and even the own-brand stuff from the supermarket you drink is increasingly pricey. If you put all the money you’d have spent on booze in a jar you could buy yourself something really fancy at the end of the month, like a 1kg tub of Lurpak.

Enjoying the health benefits

Despite what medical professionals say, this is the least important reason to do Dry January. Yeah, you might feel a bit better physically, but that will never top the intense feelings of self-satisfaction that are the top reason for doing it. If you’re not doing it to feel holier-than-thou, you might as well not bother.

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Expensive German cars 'can probably drive straight through floods'

OWNERS of costly German cars confident they can handle a mere two feet of floodwater have been encouraged to test their belief.

Flooding across Britain has seen hundreds of warnings issued and motorists advised not to drive into floodwaters, but oddly no specific advice for owners of high-performance German vehicles worth £55,000 or above.

BMW owner Tom Booker said: “They’re not saying we’re an exception on the news. But then they don’t with speed limits, it’s just tacitly understood.

“It’s not just that my 3 Series is more expensive than these boxy little hatchbacks you see drifting down rivers whose hairdresser drivers should really have known better. It’s that I’m more important.

“The Teutonic engineers who crafted my car knew I was too senior a brand executive to miss meetings because of an ill-timed flood and will have anticipated that and countered it, in their clever logical way.

“Consequently this flood ahead of me, which has cowed other cars into turning tail and choosing another route, is one I can push straight through. Once I arrive safely at the office it will make an amusing and inspiring anecdote.”

Four minutes later, a sodden Booker stood by the roadside looking at his blinking hazard lights and added: “Oh shit.”