'I've had that Michelangelo, he was shit': Seven historical figures the new Doctor Who has shagged

ACCORDING to the Christmas special, Doctor Who shagged Harry Houdini, something William Hartnell strangely never mentioned. So which other historical figures did the Doctor pork?


Despite his buff male nudes there’s no conclusive proof Michelangelo was gay. So as far as Russell T Davies is concerned that means he had non-stop hot sex with the Doctor round the back of the Sistine Chapel. Just to further mangle history, Michelangelo no longer created David – the Doctor knocked it up in an afternoon with his sonic screwdriver.

John Wayne

Who’d have thought everyone’s favourite rugged film cowboy was gay? Well, no one. Which makes it all the more wonderful that the Doctor had a passionate affair with him during the filming of True Grit in the 60s. And if the Doctor wanted some authentic cowboy cock, he just went back to the 1800s and shagged Buffalo Bill. ‘He wasn’t called Buffalo for nothing,’ the Doctor could quip in the family show.

Robert Boyle

David Tennant’s Doctor said he thought Sir Isaac Newton was ‘hot’, so it’s likely he also fancied the pioneering scientist who gave his name to Boyle’s Law. And who wouldn’t enjoy talking dirty about the inverse relationship between the pressure and volume of gas in a closed system? Boyle was actually a devout 17th century Christian, but who’s to say he wouldn’t have been into same-sex experimentation?

William Shakespeare

A bit of self-insertion here for Russell T, with the greatest writer in history having sex with the Doctor. It would turn out Romeo and Juliet was actually inspired by Shakespeare and the Doctor having a dirty weekend in 16th century Verona, and the famous line from the play originally read: ‘What light through yonder window breaks? ‘Tis a Dalek mothership, get back to the Tardis!’

Winston Churchill 

Russell T appears to be hopelessly addicted to childish woke controversies, so the Doctor would definitely have boffed Winston Churchill. Not the young, dashing Winston either, the iconic ‘We shall fight them on the beaches’ version. ‘I’m not a chubby chaser,’ the Doctor would reminisce, ‘but the things he could do with that cigar!’ Meanwhile gammons across the UK would literally explode in front of their TVs.

Jimi Hendrix

Life is stranger than fiction, and 1970s Doctor Who companion Katy Manning did actually go out with Hendrix. But in the ‘Whoniverse’ it’s the Doctor who would have been twanging Jimi’s instrument. Given the current trend for filling the show with ridiculous bollocks, the Doctor would have taught Hendrix the chords to Purple Haze, which is actually an old Gallifreyan folk song. 

Sir Ian Botham 

Not exactly a historical figure, but arguably English cricket’s greatest all-rounder. The Doctor and ‘Beefy’ Botham would have been at it hammer and tongs during the 1981 test series. In fact they’d have had so much gay sex it was amazing Botham had the energy to pick up a cricket bat. Obviously tiresome Brexiter Botham would be absolutely f**king furious about being turned gay, so that’s a bit of historical revisionism we can all get behind.

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Necessary to put on little show when late

EXPERTS have confirmed it is necessary to put on a little show when arriving late for work.

Despite it making no difference to actual lateness, unpunctual individuals still feel the need to walk in hurriedly, roll their eyes and repeatedly check their watch, preferably while tutting. 

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Entering a packed office at 9.30am is the same whether you walk calmly in or rush to your desk exaggeratedly wiping sweat from your brow. 

“However, people still consistently engage in ‘performative lateness’, which does not make them any less tardy, but does publicly demonstrate that they disapprove of their own poor timekeeping.

“Common symptoms include making a furious yet wholly pointless show of rapidly removing your coat, looking annoyed and muttering darkly about violent revenge against Network Rail – not that it would make the service any worse.”

Frequent latecomer Martin Bishop said: “I’m 20 minutes late for a meeting. I could just stroll in nonchalantly, but that wouldn’t be apologetic and British enough so instead I’m jogging up and down the stairs to make them think I’ve run from the station.

“It’s weird because I drove here and this will make me even later. As is my planned comment that using the Circle Line is ‘like getting the last chopper out of Saigon’. I just hope nobody notices this massive iced coffee I stopped for on the way.”