Six animals that would have been a f**king nightmare on the ark

AS rain falls and you’re reminded of the only other Bible story you know, you reflect on what a logistical nightmare Noah’s Ark would be. These animals would have ruined it: 


You’d need to keep a dirty freshwater reservoir just for these parasites and vectors of disease to breed. Your reward? An irritating buzzing noise and bites. Far greater temptation than Eden’s apple would be Noah’s temptation to leave them out and eliminate the bastards entirely. But God was watching so he couldn’t.


Trees, branches, coffee tables; these little bastards are always gnawing wood. The ark was made of wood. The problem is therefore obvious, and the Bible fails to clarify if the beaver couple were given regular branches to chew through or wore Hannibal Lecter muzzles. Left unchecked they would bring that ship down.


They look super cute, but otters are exceptionally stinky. Think of your grandfather when he moved in his chair and released 36 hours of homebrewed flatulence on Boxing Day. They’d be better in a little dinghy towed behind the Ark, but God didn’t allow for that, did he? And you don’t want to anger Him when he’s already wiped out every living thing on Earth.


The rhino is large, unintelligent and when it faces danger, charges at it. If it suspects a lemur of, despite its small size and appearance, being a large, dangerous predator it won’t hold back. Whichever of Noah’s sons was in charge of stopping the Ark becoming an open-plan live-work space must have had an exceptionally calming voice.

Dung beetles

Noah would originally have had big plans for the dung beetles. Nature’s latrine workers were to be employed in squadrons, cleaning up the huge amounts of shit produced daily and rolling it off the stern. ‘I said two of everything’, God clarified, and Noah sighed and picked up a shovel.

Anything Australian

With the exception of koalas, all Australian animals kill you. Once the waters went down, Noah sensibly decided to dump them all on a big island in the Southern hemisphere to poison or eat each other. Somehow they survived to make visiting the country a terror for any normal person. Australians, meanwhile, can’t see what the fuss is about.

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Gladiators revival to include silent dad hiding erection in background

THE new series of Gladiators will include a father sitting in the background quietly ogling the female stars while hiding his excitement under a cushion. 

The reboot of the popular 90s show will faithfully recreate the original version by featuring an awkwardly silent dad concealing a semi over scantily-clad woman grappling each other, but this time on the show.

A spokesperson for the series said: “Ill-timed parental boners were a staple of Gladiators back in the day, just like big cotton bud stick fights. The revival wouldn’t be complete without them.

“So every event will feature at least one middle-aged dad in the background, shifting in his armchair, pretending not to watch while actually not missing a second of the sweaty, grunting action. You might not notice him. But you’ll be comforted that he’s there.

“And to stimulate the old fella’s jaded member we’ve got a host of toned Gladiators squeezed into the tightest spandex possible: Athena, Diamond, Comet, each sounding more like a porn star than the last.

“The only reason Bradley Walsh is presenting it is to cool dads down. Quickly cutting from oiled, glistening Amazons in the throes of combat to that creased ex-redcoat face will be like a bucket of cold water.”

Dad Wayne Hayes, aged 43, said: “Gladiators is a relic. The world has moved on. We have Nigella and Rachel Riley now.”