AS rain falls and you’re reminded of the only other Bible story you know, you reflect on what a logistical nightmare Noah’s Ark would be. These animals would have ruined it:
You’d need to keep a dirty freshwater reservoir just for these parasites and vectors of disease to breed. Your reward? An irritating buzzing noise and bites. Far greater temptation than Eden’s apple would be Noah’s temptation to leave them out and eliminate the bastards entirely. But God was watching so he couldn’t.
Trees, branches, coffee tables; these little bastards are always gnawing wood. The ark was made of wood. The problem is therefore obvious, and the Bible fails to clarify if the beaver couple were given regular branches to chew through or wore Hannibal Lecter muzzles. Left unchecked they would bring that ship down.
They look super cute, but otters are exceptionally stinky. Think of your grandfather when he moved in his chair and released 36 hours of homebrewed flatulence on Boxing Day. They’d be better in a little dinghy towed behind the Ark, but God didn’t allow for that, did he? And you don’t want to anger Him when he’s already wiped out every living thing on Earth.
The rhino is large, unintelligent and when it faces danger, charges at it. If it suspects a lemur of, despite its small size and appearance, being a large, dangerous predator it won’t hold back. Whichever of Noah’s sons was in charge of stopping the Ark becoming an open-plan live-work space must have had an exceptionally calming voice.
Noah would originally have had big plans for the dung beetles. Nature’s latrine workers were to be employed in squadrons, cleaning up the huge amounts of shit produced daily and rolling it off the stern. ‘I said two of everything’, God clarified, and Noah sighed and picked up a shovel.
With the exception of koalas, all Australian animals kill you. Once the waters went down, Noah sensibly decided to dump them all on a big island in the Southern hemisphere to poison or eat each other. Somehow they survived to make visiting the country a terror for any normal person. Australians, meanwhile, can’t see what the fuss is about.