A WOMAN who expressed mild curiousity about the benefits of vinyl is directly responsible for a stampede which crushed six, police have confirmed.
Charlotte Phelps entered a Dalston record shop where she asked ‘Why is it better, then?’, sparking a sudden rush of men wearing thick-framed glasses and babbling about ‘analogue warmth’.
Market stallholder Roy Hobbs said: “There were hundreds of them, converging from all directions, all bearded and wearing beanies and muttering opinions about Sonic Youth.
“None of them were particularly fit or fast-moving, as the only exercise they get is building walls of Kallax shelving, but they’d scented prey. Their overlarge scarves fluttered as they bore down on her.
“it was bedlam. They were shouting ‘with vinyl, you’re physically holding an album you love and have a tangible connection with the music’ and ‘you don’t really own music with streaming’ and ‘they’re art objects’ through the locked door.
“It was no better inside. The customers had converged on her. She had to be slipped out the back, and we believe may have scratched a triple-LP of Tuff Gong rarities.
Police officer Martin Bishop said: “We suspect the woman was trying to start trouble, and are investigating her in connection with remarking ‘What would the Japanese know about whisky?’ in a pop-up bar earlier today. A man died.”