Six hospitalised in stampede caused by woman 'curious about vinyl'

A WOMAN who expressed mild curiousity about the benefits of vinyl is directly responsible for a stampede which crushed six, police have confirmed. 

Charlotte Phelps entered a Dalston record shop where she asked ‘Why is it better, then?’, sparking a sudden rush of men wearing thick-framed glasses and babbling about ‘analogue warmth’.

Market stallholder Roy Hobbs said: “There were hundreds of them, converging from all directions, all bearded and wearing beanies and muttering opinions about Sonic Youth.

“None of them were particularly fit or fast-moving, as the only exercise they get is building walls of Kallax shelving, but they’d scented prey. Their overlarge scarves fluttered as they bore down on her.

“it was bedlam. They were shouting ‘with vinyl, you’re physically holding an album you love and have a tangible connection with the music’ and ‘you don’t really own music with streaming’ and ‘they’re art objects’ through the locked door.

“It was no better inside. The customers had converged on her. She had to be slipped out the back, and we believe may have scratched a triple-LP of Tuff Gong rarities.

Police officer Martin Bishop said: “We suspect the woman was trying to start trouble, and are investigating her in connection with remarking ‘What would the Japanese know about whisky?’ in a pop-up bar earlier today. A man died.”

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'Just imagine how good he'll be once he's on the lager' say awed darts fans

AMAZED darts fans believe that once 16-year-old darts semi-finalist Luke Littler can drink ten pints his game will take a quantum leap forward. 

The teenager’s rapid ascent through the ranks is only a shadow of the achievements expected once he is legally able to consume the official drink of the sport in two years.

Fan Oliver O’Connor said: “If he’s playing darts like that without… my God. The mind boggles on what he’ll do on a bellyful of the good stuff.

“Most people can’t even recognise darts as a sport until they’re at least six pints to the good, and I’m talking about the hardcore at Ally Pally. So this kid is clearly blessed, perhaps with a natural blood alcohol level of 0.12.

“Once he reaches drinking age he’ll go up to a whole other level. Get ten pints inside him and every dart will be laser-guided. His opponents won’t stand a chance no matter how much they drink.

“We could be looking at an all-timer here. I can’t wait to see it. Shame he’s so youthful and fresh-faced that he could never get served underage.”