Adverts make annual switch from 'stuff your face' to 'you fat bastard'

THE nation’s advertisers have performed their customary about-turn from encouraging over-consumption of all kinds to calling you a fat twat. 

As the year changed from 2023 to 2024, advertisers ceased proffering trays of chocolates or party nibbles to instead chastise you for not subscribing to a health programme or joining a gym.

Nathan Muir of Skipton said: “Why have you taken the Tia Maria away? Just two days ago, you were telling me I deserved it and I gratefully concurred.

“Now you’re saying I need a weight loss journey app where I get regular voicemails from doctors, a solid time in a 10k and a Peleton to be happy and fulfilled? When last month it was a tin of Celebrations and a selection of luxury crisps?

“Also it seems to be imperative I book my holiday now. I’m not booking my holiday now. It’s January.”

Media buyer Carolyn Ryan said: “Fat is out, thin is in, throw away everything you bought last month and buy entirely new things for a new life of extreme self-denial.

“I’ve taken up the Big Narstie Slimfast diet. The shakes are alright but I’m struggling to smoke the necessary weed.”

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Work wanker was ready to circle back on pre-Christmas request moment clock struck midnight

YOUR annoying colleague has already chased up on that task they assigned to you just before Christmas, it has emerged. 

The anally-retentive co-worker in your office was raring to follow up on their high priority email as the notes from Auld Lang Syne still lingered in the air and a barrage of fireworks exploded in the midnight sky of January first.

They said: “Remember that email I sent on the last day just before you headed out for beers? The one asking you for a colour-coded spreadsheet breaking down crucial client details? I’m still waiting.

“I said I needed it immediately and I wasn’t joking. The second that New Zealand rang in 2024 I reached for my laptop and started looking through my inbox. Imagine my surprise when I couldn’t find anything from you. 

“I’ve sent you an email at 8.30am on your first day back marked ‘critical’ so you won’t forget to ping it over. When can I expect an update?

“I trust you’ve been working away on it diligently over the last fortnight. If you’ve just been hanging out with loved ones, stuffing your face and watching TV then this might have to become a HR issue.

“No, I’m not technically your boss, but that’s besides the point. What are you going to do anyway, tell me to f**k off? You haven’t got the balls.”