WANT to make things profoundly awkward between you and your partner this Valentine’s weekend? Try these tips:
Watch porn together
You know what will really help you feel confident about your capabilities in the bedroom? Watching people professionally employed to have extravagant sex. It will make your evening of floundering about in the dark for 10 minutes in the missionary position even more humiliating.
Roleplay
An easy way to introduce embarrassment to your sexual routine. Who wouldn’t want to see their husband, who has no talent for acting, pretend to be a stern police officer writing out a parking ticket? He will probably get too far into character and start giving you a lesson on the best reverse parallel parking technique. Sexy.
Involve food
Engaging in sexual play that leaves your duvet covered in impossible-to-remove stains isn’t the best way to enjoy intimacy. Watching your lover drip chocolate, honey or beef stew all over your Egyptian cotton sheets will just result in a massive argument and a very tense trip to John Lewis for replacements.
Try a blindfold
Blindfolds can be a fantastic way for couples to gently explore the world of BDSM. However, it will really kill the mood this Valentine’s weekend if you have to take a trip to casualty after your partner breaks their toe by stubbing it on a bedside table while staggering around trying to find you.
Attempt shower sex
Why not take your romancing into a wet, slippery environment where there is a real danger of catastrophically falling over and giving yourself concussion? On top of that you’ll have the fun of knowing the hot water might run out at any second. A risky experience, in all the wrong ways.
Use handcuffs
Another one where the idea is better than the reality. While it might be briefly fun to experiment with these, enjoyment will soon turn to panic when you realise you’ve lost the key and you’re faced with having to call a local locksmith to free your nude partner who’s shackled to the bedposts.
