Saturday, 5th December 2020

What to say you're thinking when your partner asks 'What are you thinking?'

BEEN asked the most loaded question of any relationship? These responses will stop your significant other ever inquiring about your feelings again: 

‘Sicut et ego non sum cornu magnum mendacium’

This Latin translation of ‘I like big butts and I cannot lie’ is highly effective. Recite the words while gazing up at the sky and unless your partner is from classical Rome or reads words on the sides of museums and that, they’ll back all the way off.

‘This whole thing in the news with the government’

Nobody wants to talk about what’s going on politically right now, because it means staring into an endless abyss of depair. Pulling this card means an immediate subject change to silence, then refocusing on whatever’s on the telly.

‘If Notts County are the oldest football league club in the world, who did they play against?’

You’re going to need a lawn. Lay down with your cheek against the ground. Stroking the grass with one hand, whisper the above question directly into the earth. Watch all hope fade from your lover’s face.

‘γ = (1 − v2/c2)−1/2’

Go to the kitchen sink. Swirl water and soap into a circle, then whisper the algebraic expression of the Lorentz factor. No normal human mind understands that shit. You won’t be bothered again.

‘We should get a joint account across all our online activity’

The nuclear option. Enthusiastically speak to the benefits of combining login details for everything from email to Facebook to Instagram to Twitter to Netflix, PornHub and Amazon Prime.

‘Piers Morgan’

Go to a mirror. Stare into the mirror. Place one finger onto your reflected face and speak his name three times.