Corbyn reinstated after 19-day anti-semitism binge to get it out of his system

JEREMY Corbyn has been reinstated to the Labour party after purging all anti-semitism from his system with a 19-day binge. 

The lifelong anti-racist realised that he had been bottling up bigotry for decades and he needed to let his prejudices loose before he could return to being a perfect paragon of purity and virtue.

Friend Denys Finch Hatton said: “He’s an incorruptible saint of socialism again now, but f**k me it was ugly to watch.

“You were barely past the front door before he was shouting about Jews in Hollywood and Jews in finance and the Jew-run conspiracy on the board of members at his allotment. It was intense.

“He had a whole numerology thing going on with Countdown’s Rachel Riley sending coded Zionist messages through her maths, and this chart on the wall with string linking Barbra Streisand to Giles Coren.

“Honestly, for just under three weeks his rants about Illuminati lizards were so vile even his brother Piers hung up on him. But it’s all out now and he’s absolutely fine.”

Corbyn said: “It’s completely gone. I’ve just booked a fortnight in Tel Aviv for Easter.”

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Couple mistakenly enlarge terrifying photo of newborn onto giant canvas

THE sleep-deprived parents of a newborn baby have enlarged a photo of her onto a three-foot canvas where she looks like a mutant freak. 

Drunk on hormones, Tom and Eleanor Logan have proudly placed the enormous image in their hall where they avoid looking at it directly, because it is frightening and hideous.

Eleanor said: “People like looking at photos of their children, don’t they? There would be something wrong with them if they didn’t, wouldn’t there?

“So when we pass the picture of our marvellous progeny looming over us, with his crazy wisps of hair and squashed, grotesque face, we certainly don’t avert our eyes in fear. That would be wrong.

“You know that unfortunate early stage when babies look half like their daddy and half like rotting fruit? Plus the canvas had just the right texture to accentuate an unfortunate case of cradle cap.

“It’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever f**king seen. But we can’t say that and we can’t take it down. So that’s parenthood.”

Eleanor’s mother Susan Logan said: “They did me a copy. We keep it under the stairs when they’re not visiting, facing a wall.”