Saturday, 5th December 2020

Five manly coffee orders to prove that you're well hard

SO concerned about strangers judging your masculinity that even ordering coffee is a minefield? Worried a pumpkin spice latte could turn you gay? Order these: 


No milk for you. It comes from female cows, not big tough bulls, and any association with females of any breed could make people doubt your potent masculinity. You take your coffee brooding, bitter, and uncompromising, like Jason Statham in the opening scenes of The Meg.


Regular coffee could never penetrate a man with your muscle mass. While the inevitable stomach troubles aren’t very macho, those hours in the loo are worth it just for the raised eyebrow of the barista through the take-out window, over her mask.

‘Extra hot’

No red-blooded male takes his hot drinks anything less than molten. Some coffee shops will refuse to serve you anything that could result in a lengthy lawsuit, but if you take it straight back to the office of your one-man strategy consultancy and stick it in the microwave, you’ll hit the right level of scalding to make you wince.

‘Nitro cold brew’ 

Caffine? It’s alright if you can handle it mate. Knocking back a nitrogen-infused cold brew demonstrates to every passer-by that your resting heartrate is normally one per minute, like a crocodile, and you need to artificially boost your system just to interact in this world of lightweights and hummingbirds.


Demanding your local Starbucks guess what on their 50-item-long menu you might fancy takes balls. Nothing proves you’re full to the brim with testosterone than calmly and confidently holding up a massive queue for a filter coffee.