Woman fully aware that man would like friendship to be something more, thanks

A WOMAN is entirely cognisant that her male mate believes they could be more than just friends, thank you very much. 

Sophie Rodriguez is hyperalert for any conversation with pal Joe Turner straying onto the subject of romance, fulfilling relationships or the importance of emotional connection over physical attraction because she knows exactly where that shit is headed.

She continued: “I like Joe, though I could never say that to his face. I have to be careful not to set him off.

“He’s great for a night at the movies, or hanging out with a large group of friends, or anything else that not even the most deluded person could ever think was a date. Sometimes he thinks it’s a date.

“I tend to avoid him for a bit so he doesn’t get the wrong idea, then I feel sorry for him and ask if he fancies meeting for brunch, then I end brunch early because I can see his eyes getting wet and I’m afraid he’s going to confess something we’ll both regret.

“Sometimes I wonder if I’m deluding myself and he’s actually just a pal, then he likes 72 posts on my Instagram at 3am and buys me a £90 Zara jacket ‘I’ll look beautiful in’ and all my fears are confirmed.”

Turner said: “I just need to pluck up the courage to tell her how I really feel. She’ll be surprised, but I bet she feels the same way too.”

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Man calls off night out with unpopular friend because we're in mourning

A MAN has used this period of national mourning as an excuse to call off a night out with a friend he did not want to meet.

Tom Booker has reassured unlikeable friend Martin Bishop that under normal circumstances he would love to go for a drink and listen to his boring anecdotes, but following the death of the Queen it would be inappropriate.

Booker said: “Talk about bad timing. The one night I’m free to hear Martin drone on about his crush on Hannah from marketing or his latest cryptocurrency purchases and I have to stay at home wearing black tie.

“No, the pubs aren’t shut, but it would be tone-deaf to go out and get smashed. Even though there’s no official etiquette which dictates I remain home finishing off Better Call Saul and eating a lamb bhuna, I know that’s what the nation expects of me.

“Maybe I’ll be able to hang out with Martin in a week or so, once the funeral is over. Although my diary’s filling up pretty fast so I might not be able to squeeze him and his list of videogame achievements in until 2023, by which time he might prefer to hang out with someone else.”

Bishop said: “Typical. The last time we’d arranged a night out was for the end of March 2020. I’m starting to think Tom must be cursed, it’s the only explanation for why these nights out never happen.”