Woman goes back to date's place because he has a working printer

A WOMAN accepted an invitation to go back to a date’s flat for sex due to him owning a functioning printer.

Nathan Muir and Nikki Hollis were having a first date in a restaurant when Muir’s printer status persuaded Hollis to trust her sexual instincts and also get some pressing printing jobs done.

Hollis said: “There wasn’t much of a spark between until I casually mentioned I was fretting about a report that needed printing out for the morning, and had no way of doing so.

“There was a twinkle in Nathan’s piercing cyan eyes as he suggested we go back to his place and fire up his Epson. I couldn’t believe I was sitting there with a guy with a printer that actually works.

“We had sex and that was fine, but what really turned me on was Nathan’s bulging tray of sensual, high-quality A4. Who needs foreplay when your last three months’ bank statements just slide effortlessly into the out tray?

“Then he started on my CV, which was incredible. I had copy after copy after copy.

“In the morning I felt completely satisfied. I actually printed Nathan a certificate from Word templates thanking him and suggesting we do it again next quarter. I did it in Palatino Italic. It’s such a sexy font.”

Muir said: “Men agonise about how to be a good lover. But it’s just being sensitive to what women want, which is a compatible inkjet printer ideally with a built-in scanner.”

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The Tory voter's guide to pretending you knew exactly what you were voting for

THE Tories appear to be on a mission to wreck the UK, so what should you do if you’re one of the dolts who enthusiastically voted for them? Here’s how to pathetically bluff it out.

No excuse is too stupid

Distract from the Tories’ shitness by making unconvincing excuses for them. Are schools definitely crumbling due to insufficient spending? Maybe a ‘concrete virus’ has escaped from a Chinese laboratory? Maybe the schools are built on previously unnoticed fault lines? Maybe some nocturnal dinosaurs survived and are stomping around at night?

Claim you like having to pay for previously-free things

The private dentist you’re forced to see has a nice surgery and a charming receptionist, so paying three grand to replace a tooth is absolutely fine with you. Which is odd, because you went ballistic when they started charging 10p for carrier bags. 

Make up a fanciful version of public services

‘Effectively bankrupt’ Birmingham City Council depends on central government funding, like all councils. Now it’s struggling to keep vital services running, undoubtedly leading to unhygienic rubbish piling up and exhausted social workers not visiting at-risk kids. But not in your imagination, where the council’s 50,000 diversity officers are all having drag queen lessons in a five-star hotel in Barbados.

You absolutely expected hardship

You wanted more austerity to get Britain’s finances in order, and you knew there’d be a cost to Brexit. No one can argue with your self-sacrifice and Blitz spirit, except didn’t you moan for a week when inflation meant your favourite bubble bath went up by 50p? Actually that’s not a contradiction for Tory voters, who crave hardship so long as it happens to other people. Much like National Service, which you’re also a massive fanboy of.

Pretend you’re the only level-headed realist in the cosmos

Tell people the government can’t have endless spending binges (except on HS2 and Michelle Mone). However, if we can’t find the money to stop kids being squished by their own schools, what’s the point of having a government at all? Let’s give up on educating children altogether, along with modern medicine and law and order, and go back to a prehistoric free-for-all. Your neighbour might bash your head in with a rock and barbecue your wife, but think what you’ll save on National Insurance.

Keep schtum about immigration

At the last election, the only thing that mattered to you was bloody Muslim immigrants getting free money. Now you’ve got the full Tory package of self-interest, incompetence and corruption. Never admit to this and claim to have been concerned about some minor facet of policy, eg. reducing corporation tax. You’re such a bellend it’s entirely possible this is really why you voted.

Don’t let the mask slip

There’s a danger maintaining this charade will prove too much and you’ll break down in tears, sobbing, ‘I’m an idiot! My racism and xenophobia allowed the Tories to take me for a mug and now everything’s knackered!’ Use every last reserve of your mental strength to keep it together, and do what you always do when times are tough and everything looks hopeless – blame the EU.