Jubilant Britain to get rid of Birmingham and start again

THE UK is delighted that Birmingham is bankrupt because it means they get to clear the place out and start again.

After decades of shamefacedly saying ‘And this, I suppose, is our second city,’ Britain is taking no action whatsoever to stop Birmingham’s bankruptcy and will let bailiffs take it all away.

Steve Malley, a resident of neighbouring Shropshire, said: “This is brilliant news. Well not for Birmingham obviously, but for everyone else.

“Take the lot. The Bullring, Spaghetti Junction, the Jewellery Quarter, all those f**king miles of canals, the concrete high-rises, the accent, Ozzy Osborne, the whole lot. Sell it off for parts and start again.

“It’s a great location but that’s the only thing that’s good about it. Are there any other cities in the UK where a dedicated toll motorway was built solely to avoid it? That’s doing great business? Exactly.

“Birmingham’s been an embarrassment to this country for far too long. We’ve learned to cough politely and direct people to Manchester when it’s mentioned. Now we get to erase that historic mistake and start again.”

He added: “Though we’ll have to be careful. The last time we did a new city from scratch it turned out as Milton Keynes.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

British shops add hard hats to 'back to school' ranges

SHOPS in the UK have added safety helmets and steel toe cap shoes to their ‘back to school’ ranges alongside lunch boxes and protractor sets.

As the RAAC concrete crisis deepens and ministers are unable to guarantee children will not be crushed by falling masonry during maths, British stores have introduced a new range of miniature protective clothing.

A Tesco spokesperson said: “Will your child be learning how to use a set square today or will they be falling through the floor of their classroom? Nobody knows, so it’s best to send them prepared for all eventualities.

“You can get the usual polo shirts and grey trousers, but why not add a hi-vis jacket to your basket too? It will make them much easier to spot amidst the dust and rubble of their collapsed dinner hall.

“And obviously the government are a shower of useless bastards who aren’t going to fix this any time soon, so we’re working on a line of child-sized tools, plant machinery and so on, so that the kids can rebuild the schools themselves. Should be available by Christmas.”

Eight-year-old Oliver O’Connor said: “It’s a bit scary going to a school that might fall down, but if it did we’d get to go home so I’m secretly hoping for a horrific disaster.”