Woman home-making masks out of husband's favourite shirts

A WOMAN crafting protective face masks for her family is enjoying getting rid of shirts belonging to her husband that she has always hated.

Mary Fisher is keen to protect her loved ones from infection, and has taken it upon herself to cut up all of her husband’s shittest clothes as part of the precautionary measures.

Fisher said: “Being able to repurpose the hideous shirts my husband insists on making me look at almost makes the daily horror of the pandemic bearable.

“The paisley nightmares were the first to go, and I’m currently making my way through the Hawaiian one that he always wears on holiday even though other tourists make ‘wanker’ gestures behind his back.

‘I’m especially excited to hack up his t-shirt from our university climbing team that is now a sad, moth-eaten reminder of how much fun we had before we agreed to stop shagging around.

‘Once I’ve made masks for the family and neighbours, I’ll be making more for the local primary school. It’s just my way of giving something back, and also stopping my husband from looking like a twat.”

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How to keep pensioners trendy after coronavirus

PENSIONERS are the real comeback kids of coronavirus, with their viral smashes showing they’re not just a load of moaning old biscuit-munchers. But how will we keep old people chic after the crisis?

Open the country’s first ‘pensioner café’

Hipster cereal cafés and cat cafés are so last decade. Encourage young people to encounter a real life old person who will explain the joys of watching Doctors a lot and cups of milky tea. The pensioners can also sleep under the tables, which will cut social care bills.

Make blue rinse hair fashionable

Bouffant curls the colour of WKD should become the most popular hairdo since the Rachel. Blue rinses are only a step on from the bad lockdown dye jobs of homeschooled teenagers, or unicorn hair. Now the younger generation can look like Mrs Slocombe, even though they don’t know who she is.

Go back to basics with cabbage

No one needs hipster varieties like hispi, or swanky cabbage side dishes with extravagant additions such as acorns and seaweed. Go back to where cabbage came from, which is your Nan’s kitchen, boiled for at least three hours and stinking out the whole house like a flatulence-scented Glade plug-in.

Revamp the catwalk with ‘pensioner chic’

Looks should include twinsets, beige slacks and walking sticks. Remember when your Nan died and you just dumped all her stuff outside the Oxfam shop? Big mistake, that lilac cardigan and floral print flannel nightgown are high fashion now.

Dump the Botox

Wrinkly is so hot right now. Instead of face-smoothing filler treatments, people will be asking plastic surgeons for ‘a full Esther Rantzen’, having hair transplanted into their noses, and removing implants to make their tits more saggy. Thank you, Captain Tom.