'3pm cheese' and four other made-up meals popular with lockdown Brits

LOCKDOWN is the perfect opportunity to eat like a pig, for something to do and to satisfy your natural greed. So what new meals are now part of daily life? 

Kitchen clean up buffet 

Eaten in the morning, this consists of anything on the kitchen worktops from the day before. A spoonful of room-temperature tzatziki? Fistful of dry oven chips? The bit of green pepper that got stuck next to the hob? Your first video conference isn’t for a whole 45 minutes, so enjoy this sumptuous feast. Bon appetit!

Second breakfast

What’s better than breakfast? Yes – TWO breakfasts. Want a bacon and egg butty 15 minutes after your usual bacon and egg on a plate? Crack on! Some might ask if you actually need to follow up toast, coffee and a massive bowl of Frosties with a cheese omelette. If you’ve stockpiled 10 dozen eggs like most Brits, the answer is an emphatic ‘yes’.

Note: Second Breakfast can be followed with Third Breakfast, but only if you can squeeze it in before the increasingly popular ‘10.30 snack’. 

The Tesco slot home picnic

If you managed to nab an online food slot months ago, celebrate with an impromptu picnic. Using six tea towels as a makeshift blanket, sit on the floor munching through your delivery when it arrives. Eat four bags of Wotsits, a six-pack of Yoghurts, a mouthful of neat tomato purée. You could be dead next week so there’s no point putting it all away in the cupboard.

Freestyle toast

Scarcity of food means all bets are off with regards to toast toppings. Last night’s lasagne on toast? Probably worth a go. Jam and cayenne pepper, or a combination of Marmite and marmalade? Why not? You’ve just invented ‘Marmitealade’. The great thing is that whatever culinary horror you create, no one will ever find out.

3pm cheese

Fast becoming a British institution up there with ‘elevenses’. Simply open the fridge in a state of utter boredom rather than hunger and dig in. Anything will do, as long as it’s cheesy. A sad-looking nub of Red Leicester, sweaty gouda, grated cheddar that goes on the floor – it’s all part of the new ‘3pm cheese’ tradition. Makes you proud to be British!

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Trousers are weird, homeworkers realise

HOMEWORKERS have admitted they cannot imagine wearing anything other than pyjamas or dressing gowns ever again.

The notion of putting on ‘normal’ clothes has been entirely eroded after a month in lockdown, with people resenting having to maintain even the most basic hygiene standards.

Tom Logan said: “Do you remember when we all wore trousers to go out to work? What were we thinking with that?

“Now the idea of wearing anything but a pair of food-stained pyjama bottoms and a moth-eaten t-shirt to impress people seems like something from Victorian times.

“To think that I spent 30 years of my life wearing those cloth leg prisons is almost as upsetting as remembering all the times I put on deodorant. What a waste.”

Experts are predicting that should lockdown be prolonged beyond June the nation will eschew clothing entirely, except perhaps for one wipeable poncho.

Homeworker Emma Bradford said: “For the sake of my marriage I need this thing to end before boxer shorts with big holes in become standard casual wear.”