Miserable shit annoyed by respectful social distancing in park

A SELF-RIGHTEOUS, snooping arsehole is becoming increasingly annoyed at not having enough opportunities to call the police.

Norman Steele, 62, has been infuriated by photographs in the papers and online of overcrowded parks, stories of barbecues and even 11-a-side football matches. 

However upon visiting his local park armed with binoculars he was disappointed to find the vast majority of people observing two metre distances, exercising appropriately and showing consideration for others.

Steele said: “Just my luck to go on the one afternoon when people behaved themselves. Word probably got round that I was coming down to keep an eye on them. But I’ve got their card marked. I know what they’re really up to.”

Steele returned to the same park six times in one day but found frustratingly little to put in his black notebook. 

PC Nikki Hollis said: “Thankfully, the vast majority of people are following government guidelines. 

“Unfortunately, we did have to have a word with Mr Steele, following complaints that he spent several hours outdoors and was breaching social distancing as he accused other park users of just pretending to exercise.

“He proceeded to remonstrate violently, breathing on us and spraying sweat everywhere, at which point we were forced to taser him.”

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Injections of Dettol and a tanning bed: take the Trump cure

PRESIDENT Trump has recommended injections of disinfectant, UV lights and regular applications of snake oil to cure COVID-19. But what else is he suggesting? 

Putting your head in the microwave

These things, we all have them in our kitchens, but they are so powerful against germs. They zap the germs. Kill them all in a minute. One minute! You meddle with the safety catch in the door – they put that in under Obama – put it on a 60-second programme, gone. I’m not saying try it, but try it. 


They’re saying gold can do a lot against this virus. Medical experts, some of the top guys, say that if you put a little gold leaf in your food, your Cokes, it just chases the virus straight out of your system like that. So gold. Everyone can afford a little gold. 


Nobody knows how magnets work, you know that? Not scientists, not even Nobel prize winners. They think they’re so smart but it’s a mystery. I have a theory. But put yourself between two powerful magnets and it just polarises the virus. Polarises it right up. 

Staying in a five-star Trump Hotel

We got the statistics back and nobody gets the virus in a Trump hotel. Unbelievable, right? It must be the hygiene, which is fantastic, I hire the best people. You can’t get it if you stay in a Trump hotel or resort, and if you’ve got it and go to one you’re cured. Incredible. 

Any Infinity Stone

You seen these things? Most powerful objects in the universe. And they send out these rays, invisible rays, and they I think can go through the skin and kill the virus. I’ve got one. Putin’s got two. Maybe they’ll disintegrate you, maybe they won’t. I’m not a doctor.