THE UK population is now either incapable of taking their drink or permanently wankered, research has confirmed.
The Institute for Studies found that alcohol tolerance falls into one of two extreme categories due to lockdown – either you cannot handle a drop, or you cannot remember being sober.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Life as we knew it has broken down, so it makes scientific sense that people are turning to the bottle to get through.
“Furloughed staff are keeping busy by downing pints from dawn till dusk, and parents are advised to neck a bottle of Blossom Hill hourly to make looking after their kids bearable.
“However key workers are so busy they’re drier than Tehran. Even half a pint will leave them with a splitting hangover the next day.
“On the plus side they’ll be cheap dates if we ever start hooking up again. Just so long as they don’t mind us having 15 pints while they sip at their Diet Cokes.”
NHS worker Donna Sheridan said: “Humanity has been split into two species like in The Time Machine. Soon us abstinent Morlocks will hunt drunken Eloi for food.”