UK population now either total lightweights or permanently pissed

THE UK population is now either incapable of taking their drink or permanently wankered, research has confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that alcohol tolerance falls into one of two extreme categories due to lockdown – either you cannot handle a drop, or you cannot remember being sober.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Life as we knew it has broken down, so it makes scientific sense that people are turning to the bottle to get through.

“Furloughed staff are keeping busy by downing pints from dawn till dusk, and parents are advised to neck a bottle of Blossom Hill hourly to make looking after their kids bearable.

“However key workers are so busy they’re drier than Tehran. Even half a pint will leave them with a splitting hangover the next day.

“On the plus side they’ll be cheap dates if we ever start hooking up again. Just so long as they don’t mind us having 15 pints while they sip at their Diet Cokes.”

NHS worker Donna Sheridan said: “Humanity has been split into two species like in The Time Machine. Soon us abstinent Morlocks will hunt drunken Eloi for food.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The twat's guide to ignoring lockdown when you feel like it

DO you think the coronavirus suddenly doesn’t exist whenever you fancy a trip to B&Q? Here are some great ways to ignore lockdown when it suits you.

You must go sunbathing

A hot day will have sunbathing Brits out in force like a mindless robot army. Definitely risk the endless void of death for the sake of showing off your abs and getting a bit of a tan, even though lying completely motionless in a crap local park is actually incredibly boring.

You’ve spotted a bargain

Is a bloke in Liverpool selling an almost-new Ikea table for the unbelievable price of £5 but you have to collect and you live in Acton? You’ll still be quids in after the petrol so hop in your car NOW!

Hit the garden centre 

Garden centres are more part of the British way of life than WW2 nostalgia and inexplicable Greggs worship. It’s entirely likely we’d take our chances at garden centres if they were infested with velociraptors if it meant getting a new trowel and some hydrangeas.

You need to take that selfie

Social distancing can go f**k itself if you need a new selfie with your mates to maintain your social media profile. Maybe look humorously sad outside a closed pub, or just huddle up together and pull funny faces. Ignore that dry cough and rising temperature.

Go somewhere a bit shit

Don’t bother to ask yourself, ‘Is it worth dying for the sake of a day out in Bournemouth?’ There’s nothing wrong with Bournemouth per se, but it’s not like you’ve been invited to go on a thrilling space adventure with the Guardians of the Galaxy, including sex with Star-Lord/Gamora.