You can stuff your stupid airline up your arse, taxpayers tell Branson

BRITISH taxpayers have suggested the grinning billionaire who sued the NHS while hoovering up rail subsidies can stick his airline right up his arse. 

Richard Branson, who wants £500 million of government money to bail out Virgin Atlantic, has been reminded that he has £4 billion of his own so can get to absolute f**k.

Hairdresser Donna Sheridan said: “Is he having a laugh?

“I’m earning bugger all right now and being told to dig into my savings. Meanwhile that twat’s been living large on subsidies for decades, owns his own Caribbean island, tries to invent space holidays and gives nothing back.

“He sues if his trains don’t win contracts. He sues when he doesn’t get NHS contracts. Presumably if we give him £500 million he’ll sue because it wasn’t £800 million.

“Branson has only ever been a negative influence on the UK. Even the Virgin Megastore was a cavernous warehouse of tat, and he ruined that London episode of Friends.

“I work my arse off six days a week and stump up every penny of tax I owe. He can’t even put his hand in his pocket to pay his staff whilst flights are grounded, so he can stick every single one of his aeroplanes up his luxuriously pampered bum.”

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Lockdown must last until end of the year, says woman who cut own fringe

A WOMAN who attempted to cut her own fringe has told Britain there can be no relaxing of lockdown until 2021. 

Nikki Hollis, aged 35, has confirmed there is no chance of life returning to normal after giving herself an overambitious pandemic haircut so quarantine measures must remain in place until January or it grows back, whichever comes first.

She continued: “I regret the disruption this will cause to British lives and businesses, but if you could see the ruin of my fringe you would understand.

“I gave my Girl’s World better haircuts than this when I was little. I don’t know what possessed me.

“One minute I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror with the kitchen scissors, and the next thing I know I‘m surrounded by hair looking like an extra from Girl, Interrupted.

“Obviously lockdown is stressful and horrible and ruining the economy, but I regret we’ll have to stick with it until this monstrosity is at least long enough to clip back. And until there’s a vaccine or whatever.”

Hollis has joined an online support group for quarantine haircuts, largely full of men who clippered their hair only to discover it is not growing back.