Sunday, 25th October 2020

All the government's coronavirus f**k-ups, a timeline

LOSING track of exactly which government f**k-up came when? Follow our pandemic timeline: 

January – Government issues official guidelines to stop talking about some virus in China and instead celebrate a Tory victory and Brexit

February 6th – Brighton man who has infected ten people given very stern dressing-down

February 21st – Italy locked down. Whitehall responds by ruefully shaking its head at their Latin foolishness

March 10th – Outbreak declared a pandemic. Boy chancellor Rishi Sunak makes major concession by mentioning it in his budget

March 12th – Risk raised from moderate to high. Government reluctantly advises over-70s with pre-existing medical conditions to avoid cruises, but promises the restrictions will stop there

March 13th – London Marathon, football, the Six Nations and local elections all cancelled. Cheltenham allowed to continue because it’s not people, it’s horses

March 16th – Boris Johnson tells everyone not to go to pubs while leaving them open, because that makes sense

March 18th – Schools closed from the end of the week because you can’t just finish school on a Wednesday

March 20th – The prime minister closes pubs and restaurants, though emphasises what a shame it is and if everyone has one last night on the sauce he certainly wouldn’t blame them. Everyone goes the pub

March 23rd – Full lockdown announced, Britain trailing only France, Spain, Belgium, Switzerland, Croatia, Austria, the Czech Republic, Slovakia and a few others

March 27th – The prime minister tests positive for coronavirus. Britain informed this is sad and unfortunate, not a dickhead ignoring his own advice

April 1st – The government begins its rigorous programme of not doing nearly enough testing and being offended when journalists point it out

April 6th – Boris Johnson goes into intensive care an hour after Dominic Raab claimed they had been shooting hoops together

April 12th – Johnson leaves hospital for a well-earned country break

April 15th – The care minister suddenly remembers care homes

April 22nd – Targets for tests continue to be missed by 76 per cent, PPE continues to be shipped abroad and then slowly back here, and deaths continue at the level we were told was the peak a fortnight ago. Raab reassures Britain everything is fine.