All the government's coronavirus f**k-ups, a timeline

LOSING track of exactly which government f**k-up came when? Follow our pandemic timeline: 

January – Government issues official guidelines to stop talking about some virus in China and instead celebrate a Tory victory and Brexit

February 6th – Brighton man who has infected ten people given very stern dressing-down

February 21st – Italy locked down. Whitehall responds by ruefully shaking its head at their Latin foolishness

March 10th – Outbreak declared a pandemic. Boy chancellor Rishi Sunak makes major concession by mentioning it in his budget

March 12th – Risk raised from moderate to high. Government reluctantly advises over-70s with pre-existing medical conditions to avoid cruises, but promises the restrictions will stop there

March 13th – London Marathon, football, the Six Nations and local elections all cancelled. Cheltenham allowed to continue because it’s not people, it’s horses

March 16th – Boris Johnson tells everyone not to go to pubs while leaving them open, because that makes sense

March 18th – Schools closed from the end of the week because you can’t just finish school on a Wednesday

March 20th – The prime minister closes pubs and restaurants, though emphasises what a shame it is and if everyone has one last night on the sauce he certainly wouldn’t blame them. Everyone goes the pub

March 23rd – Full lockdown announced, Britain trailing only France, Spain, Belgium, Switzerland, Croatia, Austria, the Czech Republic, Slovakia and a few others

March 27th – The prime minister tests positive for coronavirus. Britain informed this is sad and unfortunate, not a dickhead ignoring his own advice

April 1st – The government begins its rigorous programme of not doing nearly enough testing and being offended when journalists point it out

April 6th – Boris Johnson goes into intensive care an hour after Dominic Raab claimed they had been shooting hoops together

April 12th – Johnson leaves hospital for a well-earned country break

April 15th – The care minister suddenly remembers care homes

April 22nd – Targets for tests continue to be missed by 76 per cent, PPE continues to be shipped abroad and then slowly back here, and deaths continue at the level we were told was the peak a fortnight ago. Raab reassures Britain everything is fine.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Mother has new appreciation of what's important and it's childcare

A MOTHER of two children under five has realised that nothing is more vital to a happy life than someone else looking after the kids. 

Payroll manager Carolyn Ryan is working from home while looking after a two-year-old and four-year-old, and now understands that what really matters is nurseries and grandparents.

She said: “I used to worry that I was in some way damaging them by sending them to childcare. But being home with me is the trauma from which they may never recover.

“This time together’s giving me time to decide what childhood I want for my little poppets, and it’s one where I’m not losing my shit at them for demanding I play Jumpy Hop Horse with them again.

“Nothing can match the care and attention a professional can give my children, compared to my half-arsed attempts at shoving crisps in them while they play Fortnite.

“And it’s important to me as well; to not just be a mother, or a worker, but an actual f**king human being with a life that’s more than between 9pm when they go to bed and 10pm when I do.”

Ryan’s mother Celia said: “Raising young children is the toughest and most important job on earth, which is why I’ve always advised Carolyn to stick to payroll.”