Woman spends days analysing texts of obvious f**kwit

A WOMAN has spent five days minutely analysing text messages from an indisputable moron that she fancies. 

Lauren Hewitt has been poring over and consulting with friends as though the texts, which included ‘u horney yeh’, were as important as decrypting the Enigma code despite glaring evidence of idiocy.

Charlotte Phelps said: “She’s sending screenshots for us to decipher as if she’d found an ancient Mayan codex that held the key to saving the world, as opposed to a dickhead.

“He’s another self-obsessed wanker looking for a situationship. You don’t need to parse every possible meaning of ‘not sure if i’m up for serioys rite now babe’ followed by a 2am ‘uso hot nudes?’

“She’s reading up about attachment theory and analysing his childhood while he’s sending GIFs of The Boys. When he called her by the wrong name she interpreted it as him being comfortable enough with her to make mistakes, signalling a new level of intimacy.

“He’s a f**kboi lurching from erection to erection having his tossed-off words analysed by a crack team as if they were a radio signal from a distant galaxy. We are all wasting time on a cretin. He is kind of hot though.”

Lauren Hewitt said: “He’s just texted ‘Titties pls’. Do you think that means he’s finally open to love?”

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Man never thought he'd live to see war come to the Middle East

A SHOCKED and appalled man did not think he would ever see the grim spectre of war over the Middle East in his lifetime.

Martin Bishop is dumbfounded by the tragic scenes unfolding in Israel, usused as he is to seeing states around the Gulf ravaged by the archaic horror of armed conflict.

He said: “The outbreak of the war in Ukraine made a terrible amount of sense. Europe’s always spoiling for a scrap. But this? Nobody saw it coming, nobody.

“This is the very cradle of civilisation. An area that’s founded three of the world’s major peaceful religions, creators of our numerical system. It’s so alien to see their sunny streets a theatre of violence.

“This has come completely out of the blue. A region with the futuristic metropolis of Dubai, with states that own our football teams and host our World Cups, transformed from a haven of tranquillity into a confusing hellscape.

“Maybe the West should get involved and help the Middle East out for once. Couldn’t possibly hurt.”