A WOMAN who has split up with her hopeless loser of a boyfriend is searching for a new man who is functionally identical, she has confirmed.
Nikki Hollis, aged 28, ended her relationship with Nathan Muir because he was insensitive, emotionally stunted, preferred hanging out with his mates to her and was lazy, then proceeded to outline those same qualities as what she is looking for.
She said: “I like a man’s man, not some emotional melt who clings to me like a limpet and embarrasses me in public.
“I can’t stand all that ‘and how are you feeling?’ and asking if it’s my time of the month like he’s my therapist. My next boyfriend will give me my space, and he’ll have his own friends for football or whatever so I can have nights with my girls.
“I want someone laid-back who doesn’t mind lazy weekends binging telly with me, rather than these active types always pushing to go on hikes or shit like the theatre. And yeah Nathan cheated, but a man who other women aren’t chasing is ugly. Not into that.
“Yes, all of that could describe Nathan. But what I want is that, but different.”
Friend Emma Bradford said: “Nikki lurches from one crap boyfriend to another like the Conservative Party chooses new leaders. She never learns.
“At least I don’t have to feel guilty any more for shagging Nathan behind her back. Did I mention he’s got a willy like a conger eel?”
