IS your dull mate settled down with the first woman who’ll shag him regularly – and claims it’s fantastic and won’t shut up about it? Here’s Tom Logan’s tedious guide to having found ‘the one’.
I don’t have to play the dating game
What even is Tinder anyway? Do you swipe left or right? I simply DO NOT KNOW. I’m just glad I settled with Emma before dating apps took off. We met more organically. Was I a bit tipsy? Yes. Was I really trying to pull her friend Karen, who’s much nicer? Yes. Will Emma do? A resounding ‘yes’!
I don’t regret not being on the dating scene. I’ve sowed my wild oats. Before I met Emma I went for a coffee with a colleague called Liz, and that might have led to something.
I’m more financially secure
Me and Emma have a settled life of mortgage payments, house insurance, leasing a car, saving for the future and looking into funerals. All these financial commitments are really quite romantic in their own way! That makes no sense at all, but it’s the sort of bullshit I come out with all the time these days.
Emma is my best mate
That’s what I said, without actually thinking about it, in my wedding speech. Of course Steve is actually my best mate, but that’s not very romantic. Plus people will talk.
It’s great having someone around 24/7 to talk to. Or not talk to and simply stare at my phone while they stare at theirs. Or just look at while they’re breathing through their nose and making that squeaking sound. Christ that winds me up and I want to stuff a wine stopper up her f**king hooter. By which I mean it’s cute. Aw.
I have sex on tap
As long as we plan it three months in advance. And there isn’t one of about 300 distractions such as tummy ache, being too tired, checking the front door is locked, an Amazon delivery or getting really into the episode of QI they’re repeating on Dave. Plus I mostly just don’t bother because it’s incredibly boring having sex with the same person all the time. That’s why I’ve decided sex is overrated.
We get to share each other’s interests
Before getting together, we individually got to do whatever we wanted. But now as a loving, monogamous couple, we can try things the other person likes. Yes, I love watching repeats of Doc Martin, visiting craft shops full of tat and discussing at great length the simpletons on Love Island. I feel really sorry for my single friends. I just hope one day they’ll be as blissfully happy as me.