Your boring friend's guide to why monogamy is great

IS your dull mate settled down with the first woman who’ll shag him regularly – and claims it’s fantastic and won’t shut up about it? Here’s Tom Logan’s tedious guide to having found ‘the one’.

I don’t have to play the dating game

What even is Tinder anyway? Do you swipe left or right? I simply DO NOT KNOW. I’m just glad I settled with Emma before dating apps took off. We met more organically. Was I a bit tipsy? Yes. Was I really trying to pull her friend Karen, who’s much nicer? Yes. Will Emma do? A resounding ‘yes’! 

I don’t regret not being on the dating scene. I’ve sowed my wild oats. Before I met Emma I went for a coffee with a colleague called Liz, and that might have led to something. 

I’m more financially secure

Me and Emma have a settled life of mortgage payments, house insurance, leasing a car, saving for the future and looking into funerals. All these financial commitments are really quite romantic in their own way! That makes no sense at all, but it’s the sort of bullshit I come out with all the time these days. 

Emma is my best mate

That’s what I said, without actually thinking about it, in my wedding speech. Of course Steve is actually my best mate, but that’s not very romantic. Plus people will talk. 

It’s great having someone around 24/7 to talk to. Or not talk to and simply stare at my phone while they stare at theirs. Or just look at while they’re breathing through their nose and making that squeaking sound. Christ that winds me up and I want to stuff a wine stopper up her f**king hooter. By which I mean it’s cute. Aw.

I have sex on tap

As long as we plan it three months in advance. And there isn’t one of about 300 distractions such as tummy ache, being too tired, checking the front door is locked, an Amazon delivery or getting really into the episode of QI they’re repeating on Dave. Plus I mostly just don’t bother because it’s incredibly boring having sex with the same person all the time. That’s why I’ve decided sex is overrated.

We get to share each other’s interests

Before getting together, we individually got to do whatever we wanted. But now as a loving, monogamous couple, we can try things the other person likes. Yes, I love watching repeats of Doc Martin, visiting craft shops full of tat and discussing at great length the simpletons on Love Island. I feel really sorry for my single friends. I just hope one day they’ll be as blissfully happy as me.

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How the whole economic system going tits up might affect you

THE economy is once again hurtling towards recession, so how will having f**k all cash impact on your spending habits? Find out with our guide.

You won’t be able to do things

Doing things costs money, so forget about activities like going to the cinema or a treating yourself to a luxurious bus ride to the Job Centre until about 2026. You can of course do free things like go for a walk or watch the sun set, but these get old really fast and they’ll probably get put behind a paywall anyway.

Your home will get decluttered – free!

Forget buying a tedious Marie Kondo book, the recession will turbocharge your decluttering as you sell off all your worldly goods for scraps of meat. Once you’ve shifted all your books and gadgets, move onto white goods and clothes. After they’re gone, you’ll be free to downsize to a tent under a bridge. It’ll be cold in winter but very Zen.

You’ll learn to love your shit job

Jobs will become scarce so you’ll have to hold off from calling your boss a tiresome wanksock and handing in your notice. This still doesn’t mean you’ll have any money though because you’re paid next to nothing. At least your company’s executives will get a whopping bonus again. And ruthless cost-cutting will be good for shareholders. It’s nice to give something back.

You can’t buy a sense of perspective

For too long you’ve been swanning about getting bi-annual haircuts and living like a king with your hot food and Netflix account. A healthy dose of financial hardship will help you to appreciate the simple things in life, like staring at a wall because it’s free.

You’ll lose weight without an expensive gym membership

You don’t have to agonise over renewing your stupidly pricey gym membership now. The inability to afford food will make the weight just fall off. Just ask anyone who been in a POW camp. There’ll be the unfortunate side effects of loud stomach rumbles and constant exhaustion, but a lean physique comes at a price. Not a monetary price, obviously. Which is just as well because you can’t afford it.