DO you think an Englishman’s home is his castle? If so you may well be a wanker who adds stupid, self-important accessories to your dwelling. Like these.
A ‘no turning’ sign in the drive
Is your drive made of priceless paintings for some reason? Might someone pulling into it set off a pressure-controlled bomb? No? Then what is the problem with a stranger occasionally using it to do a three-point turn, you miserable bastard?
Putting up high fences so you aren’t overlooked
Given that we live on a tiny island with a population of 67 million people, you’re going to struggle to not have some of them living quite close to you. Nonetheless, stop them seeing in by building some huge, ugly fences that block out the view, as well as next door. What are you doing in there, making porn films as your alter-ego ‘Max Bigschlong’? Nope, just mowing the lawn.
Install a massive automatic security gate
Do you regularly need to prevent a tank smashing its way onto your front lawn? Get one of these intimidating gates that looks as though it may be bullet and shell-proof. If anything it suggests ‘Come and rob me of all my valuables’, but you live in a such a modest suburban house any sensible thief will just think you have delusions of grandeur. Which you do.
Putting a traffic cone on ‘your’ parking space in the road
If your life is so small and sad that your main preoccupation is being able to park directly outside your house, you need to have a serious word with yourself. It’s bad enough if you stick your wheelie bin in the space, but if you’ve gone to the lengths it takes to get hold of a traffic cone, you are in ‘twat’ territory.
Having an aggressive dog in the garden
It’s good to add an ever-present genuine danger to a normal road. Your psychotic beast tries to savage everyone from meter readers to the hapless sod trying to deliver all those Amazon packages you order. What makes the decision even weirder is that no one ever wants to visit you now. Although that may be related to you generally being a wanker.