Sunday, 18th April 2021

'You've spent too long on the toilet': Six texts that prove your relationship has gone stale

THE romance in any relationship can’t last forever. Here are six texts you might receive – or send – that prove it beyond all reasonable doubt.

‘You’ve spent too long on the toilet’

A few minutes sitting on the toilet can be a beautiful escape. A time to gather your thoughts, check your phone and dream of a better life. But spend more than 10 minutes in there and you’ll get a text hassling you to come and do some chores. And for God’s sake put the seat down.

‘Baby asleep’

This is code for ‘be f**king quiet’. You immediately switch to your default mode of walking around your home as if it’s littered with landmines. If you move between rooms, you’d better pray you read the text from yesterday ‘Can you WD40 all the creaky door hinges?’.

‘The chilli is in the slow cooker’

It used to be all saucy text messages and raunchy pictures. That was the honeymoon period. Now you get a purely functional account of this evening’s food or passive-aggressive questions about whether you used the last tin of kidney beans.

‘Can you stop leaving pubes in the shower?’

One of the cliches about relationships is that people aren’t trying to ‘change’ each other. This is a lie, and once you’ve been together a while expect texts from your loved one shaming you for things like being so inconsiderate as to have body hair. 

‘Buy bin liners, cat litter and milk’

No ‘hello’, no ‘how are you’ and definitely no ‘I love you snugglebum’ – just a cold and concise list of items to get on your way home. All pretences have been dropped, you must simply do as you’re told. Rubbish bags, cat defecation products and boring foodstuffs – this is your life now.

‘Turn the TV down a bit’

Forget nights of passion. Now, one of you goes to bed at 9pm while the other stays up and watches more telly. Cue texts from upstairs complaining the TV is too loud. Really you should try to put the sexual spark back in your relationship, but instead you’ll just watch GoldenEye for the fifth time.