Trump's TV tells him to shut the f**k up

THE television that President Trump has been shouting at for the last week has unexpectedly told him to shut the f**k up. 

The TV, a 55-inch flatscreen permanently set to Fox News, spent seven days being berated by the unhinged leader before its patience snapped. 

It said: “You know what? The person who needs to shut the f**k up right now? It’s you. 

“Blah blah I won the election, blah blah I didn’t tell them to storm the Capitol, blah blah censorship they won’t let me tweet. Mate, I’ve f**king heard it. 

“I know I’m meant to be the passive one in all this, what with being a telly, but come on. Somebody needs to tell you to pipe down and apparently nobody else has got the stones. 

“You surely don’t believe all this shite you’re spouting? You lost. Get that straight. You entirely f**king lost, and all the rest of this has been you pretending you didn’t. So shut up, you’re a loser. My advice? Change the f**king channel.” 

Following the unexpected outburst the TV was destroyed, and Trump supporters across the US are smashing their own televisions in a gesture of moronic support.

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Woman who says there are 'two sides to every story' always on wrong side

A WOMAN who likes to highlight the blinkered nature of people’s opinions always supports the worst point of view, it has emerged.

Contrarian Joanna Kramer has defended tax evaders, flat earthers and Dominic Cummings, all with the moronic observation that there are multiple ways of looking at things.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “At first I thought she was just playing devil’s advocate. There’s no way anyone could seriously think Prince Andrew did nothing wrong or the Capitol rioters weren’t nutjobs.

“But when she said we ‘shouldn’t judge anyone until we’ve walked a mile in their shoes’ I realised she was deadly serious. Judging by her self-satisfied tone she clearly thought this was profound and not just some crap from a motivational meme.

“She’s also very conservative. I wouldn’t like to say she’s got an agenda, but when you’re arguing that Priti Patel is a strong woman in a man’s world, I think there might be.

“I might start arguing in favour of ridiculous things to see how far gone she is. I think I’ll start with endangered species deserving to die out because they’re too lazy to evolve more like humans.

“If she still disagrees with me then at least she’ll be talking sense for once.”