Tuesday, 11th May 2021

How to be an effective leader of the opposition, by Marcus Rashford

HI Keir. You’re an experienced politician and I’m a 23-year-old footballer, yet I’m much better than you at holding the government to account. Here are my tips on how it’s done.

Act quicker

I managed to have a meeting with Boris Johnson and the board distributing the terrible food hampers, all whilst being a professional footballer. What did you do? Nothing really. Pull your finger out, mate. 

Get some better people on your side

You’ve got an entire shadow cabinet, but they appear to be about as much use as you are. I had a smaller team, made up of the unlikely pairing of Piers Morgan and Jack Monroe, but somehow a gobby TV presenter and a food blogger were more use than all of your lot put together.

Develop a bit of charisma

I know you’re a stuffy old ex-lawyer who sounds like he’s got a perpetual cold so charisma might be hard to come by, but you’ve got to find a better angle than simply being ‘forensic’. Although not so much of an angle as Jeremy Corbyn. That didn’t really work.

Don’t be part of a confused, in-fighting political party

To be fair, you’ve got a lot on your plate, such as trying to lead a political party fighting each other like rats in a sack. You should probably sort that out because otherwise we’ll have to put up with decades more of the Tories winning and thinking children don’t need food.

Consider a career in football

If politics is too hard, why not consider a career in football? It’s pretty difficult as well, but maybe they could find space for you on the bench somewhere like Forest Green Rovers. You can do politics as a sideline, and probably get more done.