How to be an effective leader of the opposition, by Marcus Rashford

HI Keir. You’re an experienced politician and I’m a 23-year-old footballer, yet I’m much better than you at holding the government to account. Here are my tips on how it’s done.

Act quicker

I managed to have a meeting with Boris Johnson and the board distributing the terrible food hampers, all whilst being a professional footballer. What did you do? Nothing really. Pull your finger out, mate. 

Get some better people on your side

You’ve got an entire shadow cabinet, but they appear to be about as much use as you are. I had a smaller team, made up of the unlikely pairing of Piers Morgan and Jack Monroe, but somehow a gobby TV presenter and a food blogger were more use than all of your lot put together.

Develop a bit of charisma

I know you’re a stuffy old ex-lawyer who sounds like he’s got a perpetual cold so charisma might be hard to come by, but you’ve got to find a better angle than simply being ‘forensic’. Although not so much of an angle as Jeremy Corbyn. That didn’t really work.

Don’t be part of a confused, in-fighting political party

To be fair, you’ve got a lot on your plate, such as trying to lead a political party fighting each other like rats in a sack. You should probably sort that out because otherwise we’ll have to put up with decades more of the Tories winning and thinking children don’t need food.

Consider a career in football

If politics is too hard, why not consider a career in football? It’s pretty difficult as well, but maybe they could find space for you on the bench somewhere like Forest Green Rovers. You can do politics as a sideline, and probably get more done.

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How to pretend to be over 75 and get vaccinated

ONLY a morally bankrupt, heartless swine would try to jump the queue and get vaccinated early. Here’s how to do it.

Claim to remember old things

As you shuffle into the vaccination centre say you haven’t been this excited since the moon landing or when England won the World Cup, both of which you remember well because you were in your 20s at the time. Don’t blow your cover by reminiscing about the Crusades.

Get a fake ID

The key to a good fake ID is to keep it simple and believable, so print a driver’s licence off the internet but DON’T be tempted to embroider things with tales of driving your Ford Model T. Be sure to memorise your phoney date of birth, although you can always blame a slip-up on your dementia.

Draw on some wrinkles

With a steady hand and a bit of creativity, a simple eyeliner pencil can create a network of convincing crags and crevices on your youthful face. It’s similar to how women used to draw stockings seams on their legs during the war, which we’ve already established you can totally remember.

Pay a child to be your great-grandkid

Part of their contract should include calling you ‘granny’ or ‘gramps’, talking about wholesome memories you both share, and saying how you’re even braver than your contemporary, Captain Tom. Hire a hard kid who will cover your back if the nurses catch on and things turn ugly.

Use ‘olden days’ words

Tell the vaccination centre staff how you can’t wait to cut a rug at the club because you’re a ducky shincracker. This might not convince them you’re old, but there’s a chance they’ll think jabbing you in the arm is the easiest way to get you to go away.