Six great ways to piss money away instead of renting

ARE you a former tenant back with mum and dad, wondering what to do with all this extra money you’ve got? Try these ways of pissing it up the wall: 

Get seriously into gambling

Nothing offers less return on the investment of large sums than gambling. Put big bets on horse races with impossible-to-predict outcomes, and keep the fixed-odds betting terminals well-fed. Don’t worry about those odd moments when you win. They’ll pass.

Give money to someone who already owns a house

Missing paying somebody else’s mortgage? Pop round to a homeowner every month with a grand. At first they might be suspicious, but they’ll soon accept the arrangment. For the full misery of renting, inquire as to whether they’ve bought a BMW or a summerhouse with your hard-earned cash.


One of the stranger products of consumer culture, ‘limited edition’ bobbleheads of Ripley from Alien or a small statue of Batman for £279.95, are expensive, ugly and useless. Once you’re buying a limited edition Barney Rubble Funko Pop from the Flintstones-Jetsons crossover your money-wasting is going superbly.


Once the preserve of bored ladies, men can now enjoy various tedious moisturising, hairdressing and spa experiences. Should be suitably costly and have no real effect, for example a £200 haircut with some wine that doesn’t turn you into Chris Hemsworth.

A hobby you don’t enjoy

Buying an expensive mountain bike then realising you hate gruelling, muddy exercise with twats is good, but go further. Why not renovate some wreck of an Aston Martin that will bankrupt you and result in hundreds of tedious hours on the internet looking for gaskets and seals?

‘Win a house’ lotteries

A brilliant way to keep your dreams of homeowning alive while frittering money and not actually winning a house. Partly because it’s a f**king lottery, partly because mostly they’re cancelled due to not enough mugs entering. You’ve lost cash on a house while not having a house. It’s renting in a nutshell.

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Get bikes off the road, says motorist who also opposes cycle lanes

A DRIVER who believes cyclists are a menace he should not share a road with is also dead against cycle lanes, he has confirmed. 

Roy Hobbs, driver of a Mitsubishi Shogun, admits he does not like driving within 50 yards of a cyclist in case there is an accident and they damage his paintwork. 

He said: “Roads are for cars. Simple as. Cycling on them risks their lives and my no-claims bonus. 

“They’re too slow and wobbly and unpredictable to share the main carriageway with responsible motorists. I had a hell of a scare the other day when one came out of nowhere when I was FaceTiming the wife. 

“But also, I don’t see why we should sacrifice a perfectly good slice of public highway just so they can ride without fear of death or serious injury. I pay road tax. 

“So when I’m not uploading dashcam footage of dangerous cyclists and encouraging social media pile-ons, I’m launching a campaign against segregated cycle lanes that could slow my commute by up to 90 seconds. 

“And it goes without saying they shouldn’t be on the pavement. The only acceptable places to ride a bike are the Olympics and Belgium.”