Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Six normal activities that look absolutely ridiculous when Boris Johnson does them

BRITAIN’S prime minister not only looks a bumbling fool while attempting to lead the nation through crisis, but on all other occasions. Here’s how he does it: 

Riding a bike

Boris Johnson on a bike always brings to mind a sentient potato from a CBeebies show off on its two-wheeled travels. Why can a helmet never sit on this man’s head correctly? Why does he wear a suit while riding, as if changing facilities don’t exist? How has he survived this long?

Talking to people

Whether he’s hurriedly cutting off Chris Whitty for being a Debbie Downer on live TV or posing for a picture with President Trump with his hands on his hips like a girl at the prom, Johnson is a flapping awkward fish in any social situation. Women sleep with him just to make it stop.

Zip-lining

There must have been a reason why the Mayor of London was on a zipline holding Union Jacks. But not a soul living can remember why he was up there in those clouds, like a giant toddler after a defecation accident. Nonetheless the image is burned into the retinas of a generation: this is the man that f**ked an entire country.

Having hair

Most people just have hair. It’s on their head and it suits them fine. Not Johnson. Stringy, white, yellow, tangled, and when challenged by a gust of wind it looks absolutely absurd. He’d be better off wearing a turd as a hat while ignoring questions from Laura Kuenssberg at his next press conference.

Playing sports

When Boris Johnson playing tennis, or rugby, or jogs, he make Theresa May’s dance routine look like a Strictly professionals’ waltz. Clearly hand-eye coordination is considered a socialist affectation at the public schools of this great country.

Making love

Thankfully Jennifer Arcuri’s stolen laptop was found by MI5 before its contents could be uploaded to YouTube, so we don’t know for sure. But realistically there’s no doubt whatsoever.