Six normal activities that look absolutely ridiculous when Boris Johnson does them

BRITAIN’S prime minister not only looks a bumbling fool while attempting to lead the nation through crisis, but on all other occasions. Here’s how he does it: 

Riding a bike

Boris Johnson on a bike always brings to mind a sentient potato from a CBeebies show off on its two-wheeled travels. Why can a helmet never sit on this man’s head correctly? Why does he wear a suit while riding, as if changing facilities don’t exist? How has he survived this long?

Talking to people

Whether he’s hurriedly cutting off Chris Whitty for being a Debbie Downer on live TV or posing for a picture with President Trump with his hands on his hips like a girl at the prom, Johnson is a flapping awkward fish in any social situation. Women sleep with him just to make it stop.


There must have been a reason why the Mayor of London was on a zipline holding Union Jacks. But not a soul living can remember why he was up there in those clouds, like a giant toddler after a defecation accident. Nonetheless the image is burned into the retinas of a generation: this is the man that f**ked an entire country.

Having hair

Most people just have hair. It’s on their head and it suits them fine. Not Johnson. Stringy, white, yellow, tangled, and when challenged by a gust of wind it looks absolutely absurd. He’d be better off wearing a turd as a hat while ignoring questions from Laura Kuenssberg at his next press conference.

Playing sports

When Boris Johnson playing tennis, or rugby, or jogs, he make Theresa May’s dance routine look like a Strictly professionals’ waltz. Clearly hand-eye coordination is considered a socialist affectation at the public schools of this great country.

Making love

Thankfully Jennifer Arcuri’s stolen laptop was found by MI5 before its contents could be uploaded to YouTube, so we don’t know for sure. But realistically there’s no doubt whatsoever.

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A five day meal plan for your £5.22 food box, by a patronising wanker

BEEN given a fiver’s worth of food to last a child a week? Let me Julian Cook, a sneering contemptuous pedant who defends the government at every turn, explain how: 

Monday: Dry cheese sandwich

One delicious, filling meal that jumps out immediately is a hearty cheese sandwich on unbuttered white bread. Nutritionally balanced and full of natural goodness, this traditional British meal will provide your children with all the energy they need for the day. Throw in a banana, that exotic post-war treat, if they’ve been particularly well-behaved.

Tuesday: Jacket potato and beans

What’s next for our junior gourmets? A jacket potato with a tin of Heinz poured over the top. Tear pre-sliced cheddar into strips for an artisanal grated cheese. Flavourful and filling, a builder could work a whole afternoon on this so these little layabouts can have no complaint.

Wednesday: Carrot wrap and Soreen bar

By Wednesday it’s time to make use of that generous, government-funded loaf of white bread again, this time with an experimental delicacy called a carrot wrap. Simply curl a slice around the carrot and consume, ideal to eat on-the-go. Followed with a Soreen bar, because kids deserve treats.

Thursday: Pasta ’n’ Frube

Real pasta? They don’t know they’re born. When I was their age we only had spaghetti hoops. Boil the pasta, squeeze the tomato over it to recreate pomodoro sauce, and add the red berry and peach Frube for texture. That’s the kind of dish they serve to Kate Moss at The Ivy.

Friday: Apple surprise

Growing children need their five-a-day, so get a head start by providing three whole apples for lunch. If they don’t like it, encourage them to swap with wealthier kids who can spare a few of their curly fries. Learning how to network is essential if they’re ever to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.