Friday, 22nd January 2021

Shit band that will never play Europe up in arms about Brexit visa rules

AN atrocious band that will never play further away than the neighbouring county are outraged by Brexit visa rules stopping musicians touring Europe.

Kosmische Explosionen, a Krautrock-funk band from Coventry, are distraught that prohibitive bureaucracy will prevent a seven-day tour of EU countries that would never, ever happen.

Bassist and lyricist Ryan Whittaker said: “Well, there goes our stardom down the shitter. We’d be massive in Lithuania and Slovenia, if only they knew we existed.

“Now they’ll never jam out to our genre fusion, never appreciate our incredible musical prowess, never make us the biggest Midlands-based psyche-rock surrealists since The Deep Freeze Mice.

“It’s a real shame because down our local, back when there were gigs, the audiences didn’t comprehend our sensitive songs of melancholy and ennui. In Finland they’d go apeshit for them.

“Boris, the subject of our 13-minute epic Cryptofacist Bigfoot, should open up Europe to powerful new musical forces like ourselves. Britain’s creatives are its greatest strength.”

Mum Judy Whittaker, whose garage Kosmische Explosionen rehearse in, said: “The one unequivocal benefit of Brexit to the EU is that they don’t have to hear that shit.”