Shit band that will never play Europe up in arms about Brexit visa rules

AN atrocious band that will never play further away than the neighbouring county are outraged by Brexit visa rules stopping musicians touring Europe.

Kosmische Explosionen, a Krautrock-funk band from Coventry, are distraught that prohibitive bureaucracy will prevent a seven-day tour of EU countries that would never, ever happen.

Bassist and lyricist Ryan Whittaker said: “Well, there goes our stardom down the shitter. We’d be massive in Lithuania and Slovenia, if only they knew we existed.

“Now they’ll never jam out to our genre fusion, never appreciate our incredible musical prowess, never make us the biggest Midlands-based psyche-rock surrealists since The Deep Freeze Mice.

“It’s a real shame because down our local, back when there were gigs, the audiences didn’t comprehend our sensitive songs of melancholy and ennui. In Finland they’d go apeshit for them.

“Boris, the subject of our 13-minute epic Cryptofacist Bigfoot, should open up Europe to powerful new musical forces like ourselves. Britain’s creatives are its greatest strength.”

Mum Judy Whittaker, whose garage Kosmische Explosionen rehearse in, said: “The one unequivocal benefit of Brexit to the EU is that they don’t have to hear that shit.”

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My ideal lockdown, by Priti Patel

IF I’ve got one complaint about lockdowns, it’s that they give people far too much personal freedom. My dream lockdown would be: 

No leaving your bedroom

Allowing citizens to roam freely through their homes encourages adventurous, deviant thoughts. In my political Bible, Nineteen Eighty-Four, all Britons remain in one room watching government propaganda while pacified with gin. It’s a kind of utopia. We’re halfway there.

Make exercise illegal

With no exercise permitted, people will soon be too unfit to contemplate civil disobedience. Luckily many have already abandoned their home gyms and will soon be feeble, docile blob-people. Joe Wicks would be an enemy of the people and a fugitive.

Microchip trackers with remote detonators

The obvious way to stop people making unnecessary journeys, for example anything outside a once-weekly shopping trip along a designated route to buy basic provisions, is to track their every step. If an insurgent steps two paces off the path, their heads explode.

House-to-house searches

Officially to catch reprobates breaking the rules on support bubbles, but lets police spot early signs of radicalisation such as supporting Amnesty International, watching Channel 4, reading books or talking.

Shoot-to-kill in the seasonal aisle

There’s nothing more guaranteed to stop people dithering by the Easter eggs than a bullet from a Royal Marine sniper.

Renounce your family

Sever all ties with your family, friends and children over 18. Your affection for each other is an infection risk and breeds empathy, understanding and even kindness. From now on they are dead to you.

Suspend democracy

To be perfectly honest this wouldn’t do much to stop Covid, it’s just a bonus.