​​Answering by saying his number: Weird things your dad does on the phone

YOUR dad uses phones in very strange ways. Here are some of the weirder ones to try and not get stressed about.

Answering by saying his number

Your dad might answer a call in an odd, formal manner, by reciting his number, then his name, followed by ‘speaking’. The fact that your name and photo have popped up on his screen won’t stop him sounding like a character in an Edwardian period drama and being surprised when he hears your voice.

Holding down buttons

Your dad is from a different era and does not believe buttons should be ‘tapped’, or ‘clicked’ – they should be uncomfortably held down until the call is completed. If this prevents the phone ever working properly for him, it’s because of bad weather ‘affecting the wires’.

Deferring to the landline

Calling your dad will immediately raise in his mind the question of cost: ‘Are you at home?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘I’ll call you back on the landline, it’ll save a fortune.’ Your dad will then spend 15 minutes enlightening you on the cost and frequency of his top-ups before allowing you to leave, and forget to call you back.

Answering without accepting the call

While visiting your folks, you’ll see your dad pick up his mobile as if it’s the landline and answer without accepting the call. A depressing palaver will ensue as he gets increasingly exasperated while pressing all the buttons and saying ‘Hello?’

Not locking his phone

If you manage to have a conversation with your dad on his mobile, rest assured he won’t end the call. The phone will go straight onto the sideboard, unlocked, and you’ll hear his random mutterings: ‘Just put that there…’ and ‘Ooh that chilli con carne isn’t agreeing with me bowels, love.’

Enunciating when the signal drops out

Your dad’s landline rarely suffers from loss of signal, so when it happens during a call on his mobile his solution is to be louder and monosyllabic: ‘Hel-lo. Hel-lo. Can. You. Hear. Me?’ You should invent a phone that just redials when it hears this confusion and make a killing in the ‘clueless dad’ market.

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The seven modern wonders of the back of your fridge

THE back of your fridge contains a host of breathtaking sights and smells. Take a virtual tour of its wonders with our guide.

A lump of cheese

This mouldy chunk of Cathedral City is lined with teeth marks from when you’ve nibbled on it in the middle of the night like a rodent. It should have been chucked ages ago but you’ve developed a pathetic attachment to it, which coincidentally is how your partner describes you.

A mysterious pool of water

No matter how many times you clean it up, this pool of water magically reappears within a few hours. It’s not coming from the freezer because you spent hours defrosting the sodding thing, but it’s not stopping you stuffing your face so you’ll never get round to properly fixing it.

A bottle of ketchup

It looks innocent enough, but fridge ketchup is a huge source of conflict in your household. Your partner bangs on about it being shelf-stable, while you maintain that once it’s opened it needs to be chilled. Grow up and cheat on each other already so you can argue about something important.

An empty fruit and veg compartment

This rolling, desolate expanse at the bottom of your fridge has always baffled you. It’s got a drawer so it’s clearly meant to contain something, but what? It’s too small for your beers, and you can’t fit a pizza in there. Just like the Mary Celeste, perhaps you’ll never know the truth.

Questionable milk

Shit, when did you buy that pint of semi-skimmed? Was it before or after the weekend? You’d give it a sniff to check if it’s on the turn but you can see lumps floating in it. But that’s like cottage cheese and it’s fine to eat that. It’ll be fine in your tea. Yeah.

Meat on the top shelf

Meat is the big daddy of the food chain so it goes on the top shelf. Instead of hiding it away under layers of cling film you’ve proudly left it open, which lets it drip its delicious meaty goodness onto all the other food below. It’s mad how TV chefs never talk about this cooking hack.

A jar of what used to be jam

At least you think it was jam, a long time ago. However jam is usually red or purple and the contents of this jar are green, so maybe it’s pickled gherkins? That just makes it savoury spread, not a big lump of mould, so go with the flow and put it on your toast.