YOUR dad uses phones in very strange ways. Here are some of the weirder ones to try and not get stressed about.
Answering by saying his number
Your dad might answer a call in an odd, formal manner, by reciting his number, then his name, followed by ‘speaking’. The fact that your name and photo have popped up on his screen won’t stop him sounding like a character in an Edwardian period drama and being surprised when he hears your voice.
Holding down buttons
Your dad is from a different era and does not believe buttons should be ‘tapped’, or ‘clicked’ – they should be uncomfortably held down until the call is completed. If this prevents the phone ever working properly for him, it’s because of bad weather ‘affecting the wires’.
Deferring to the landline
Calling your dad will immediately raise in his mind the question of cost: ‘Are you at home?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘I’ll call you back on the landline, it’ll save a fortune.’ Your dad will then spend 15 minutes enlightening you on the cost and frequency of his top-ups before allowing you to leave, and forget to call you back.
Answering without accepting the call
While visiting your folks, you’ll see your dad pick up his mobile as if it’s the landline and answer without accepting the call. A depressing palaver will ensue as he gets increasingly exasperated while pressing all the buttons and saying ‘Hello?’
Not locking his phone
If you manage to have a conversation with your dad on his mobile, rest assured he won’t end the call. The phone will go straight onto the sideboard, unlocked, and you’ll hear his random mutterings: ‘Just put that there…’ and ‘Ooh that chilli con carne isn’t agreeing with me bowels, love.’
Enunciating when the signal drops out
Your dad’s landline rarely suffers from loss of signal, so when it happens during a call on his mobile his solution is to be louder and monosyllabic: ‘Hel-lo. Hel-lo. Can. You. Hear. Me?’ You should invent a phone that just redials when it hears this confusion and make a killing in the ‘clueless dad’ market.