Get Ad-Free Daily Mash for Half Price – Black Friday Sale

Now is not the time for Priti Patel

THE public has united in the face of the Channel tragedy by agreeing that now is not the time for Priti Patel to be saying anything at all. 

As the UK is forced to confront the deaths of 27 people on its doorstep, the home secretary is set to give a statement in the Commons which, based on her track record, nobody is looking forward to. 

A government insider said: “There are times when you want a belligerent, hardline, uncompromising xenophobe, and for the Tories that’s most of the time. That’s why she’s in. It’s not like she’s competent. 

“But there are other times when at least a pretence of compassion is necessary, and today is one of those times, but unfortunately we’ve got Priti in the hot seat now as well. 

“This is going to be excruciating. She’ll lash out and blame everyone but herself and entirely fail to have normal, human emotions. All of which are normally pluses. 

“Mind you, it could be worse. Imagine Jacob Rees-Mogg making a statement. Imagine f**king Boris. 

“It’s a shame we’ve nobody intelligent, sensitive and compassionate in the government. But we can’t stand twats like that.”

Six amateur psychological diagnoses idiots always come out with

MORONS love to try and sound like professional psychiatrists by bandying about psychological terms they don’t understand. Here are some of the more annoying ones.

Sociopath 

Not long ago someone suggested workplaces were full of sociopaths, so idiots decided that meant any boss who was just a bit of a git. Actually refers to a serious absence of normal morality, so maybe lay off the diagnoses until your manager starts collecting co-workers’ heads in a sack.

Narcissistic personality disorder 

A specific and harmful condition, often with controlling, delusional or stalkerish overtones. But don’t let that stop you using it to describe anyone who, in your ‘professional’ opinion, is too big for their boots, eg. ‘Steve’s bought an Audi that’s better than my car. Total narcissist.’

On the autism spectrum

Wrongly applied to people who are very methodical compared to disorganised bastards. In an insult to sufferers whose lives are disrupted, some idiots casually claim to be autistic themselves because they like the idea of having special powers like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. (Hollywood films are, of course, a great source of medical knowledge.) 

Hard-wired

As in ‘We’re hard-wired to do X’, where X is your own questionable behaviour, eg. ‘We’re hard-wired to stock up on calories’, which means ‘It’s not my fault I ate an entire 12-pack of Wotsits’. The same people will chuck in buzz-phrases like ‘lizard brain’, which can at least be sadistic fun if you innocently ask them to explain in front of a group of people.

Schizophrenic

Can be offensive on various levels. Firstly, use it to describe very trivial contradictions: ‘She said she’s trying to save money, but she’s just bought a new coat!’ Also, it doesn’t mean having a dual personality like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Luckily, overworked NHS psychiatrists do not have their caseload added to by Gothic horror mad scientists.

Anxiety

The amateur psychiatrist should never differentiate between the actual condition of irrational, exaggerated worrying and THINGS YOU SHOULD BE F**KING WORRIED ABOUT. Anxiety about exams, a court appearance or being confronted by a mental-looking, massive dog in the park may in fact be perfectly healthy, even helpful.