I CAN get away with loads of stupid shit by calling any man who legitimately criticises me a misogynist. Here’s how I go about it:
Do some stupid shit
When I was a backbench MP I wrote a lot of tweets calling people things like ‘f**kwits’ and ‘knobs’. Some think this sort of language isn’t appropriate for someone in my position, but they can stick it up their arses, the massive pricks.
Be incredibly arrogant
On top of that stupid shit, I did some other stupid shit, the most stupid of which was appearing on I’m A Celebrity. Some of my constituents were angry I was dicking about in Australia eating ostrich anuses instead of representing them in parliament. My new telly career was way more important and that £80k came in handy too.
Be fairly criticised
Just because I’ve tried to use my power to derail the careers of various people including James O’Brien and Laura Kuenssberg, it doesn’t mean I’ve done anything wrong. And if anyone says I have, I’ll say it’s online abuse. But not the same as the kind of abuse I’ve dished out myself, of course.
Get a job you’re wildly unsuited for
My incredible arrogance has somehow got me the job of culture secretary. I recently admitted that I can’t remember the last time I watched something on a major channel, and this week proved I don’t know how Channel 4 is funded, but so what? I’m a woman so the moaners are definitely misogynists, even if they’re women too.
Alright, this has gone far enough so I’m shutting it down by saying everyone is a misogynist. It’s a get out of jail free card. Do I care that it diminishes women who are actually dealing with misogyny? Nah, mate. Couldn’t give a toss.