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How to wriggle out of criticism by calling it misogyny, by Nadine Dorries

I CAN get away with loads of stupid shit by calling any man who legitimately criticises me a misogynist. Here’s how I go about it:

Do some stupid shit

When I was a backbench MP I wrote a lot of tweets calling people things like ‘f**kwits’ and ‘knobs’. Some think this sort of language isn’t appropriate for someone in my position, but they can stick it up their arses, the massive pricks.

Be incredibly arrogant

On top of that stupid shit, I did some other stupid shit, the most stupid of which was appearing on I’m A Celebrity. Some of my constituents were angry I was dicking about in Australia eating ostrich anuses instead of representing them in parliament. My new telly career was way more important and that £80k came in handy too. 

Be fairly criticised

Just because I’ve tried to use my power to derail the careers of various people including James O’Brien and Laura Kuenssberg, it doesn’t mean I’ve done anything wrong. And if anyone says I have, I’ll say it’s online abuse. But not the same as the kind of abuse I’ve dished out myself, of course.

Get a job you’re wildly unsuited for

My incredible arrogance has somehow got me the job of culture secretary. I recently admitted that I can’t remember the last time I watched something on a major channel, and this week proved I don’t know how Channel 4 is funded, but so what? I’m a woman so the moaners are definitely misogynists, even if they’re women too.

Cry ‘misogyny’

Alright, this has gone far enough so I’m shutting it down by saying everyone is a misogynist. It’s a get out of jail free card. Do I care that it diminishes women who are actually dealing with misogyny? Nah, mate. Couldn’t give a toss.

Where should babies be allowed? Two unreasonable idiots debate

MP Stella Creasy has sparked a debate about taking your baby to work. Here self-righteous mum Donna Sheridan and child-hater Roy Hobbs exchange unhelpful views.

Donna: As a proud mum, I don’t just think babies should be allowed in the workplace when necessary – it should be compulsory. It’d save me a fortune on childcare, and everyone except heartless bastards loves my screaming bundles of joy as much as I do.

Roy: Taking your baby everywhere has gone too far. Kids should be seen and not heard, and not seen either. They should be kept indoors under lock and key and only allowed outside when they’re 18. And then only for short periods.

Donna: Babies need the stimuli of the outside world to develop properly – sitting in a train quiet carriage, going for a meal in an expensive restaurant, being annoying in the pub all evening. It’s the only way they’ll learn how prejudiced society is against mums and babies.

Roy: Babies can’t think, they’re more like vegetables. You could probably just water them. I never gave my kids any stimulation and they turned out fine, apart from the counselling and Simon’s regular stays in prison.

Donna: Mums should be able to breastfeed wherever they like – in the park, in a crowded lift, while driving on the motorway. Anything else is a breach of human rights, and Amnesty should prosecute for torture.

Roy: I don’t want huge, milk-engorged breasts rammed in my face all the time. Except when I’ve spent a phenomenal amount of time on Pornhub and I’m forced to watch something different even if it’s a bit weird. 

Donna: If people don’t like the sound of babies crying, requiring constant attention and making disgusting smells, maybe they shouldn’t be at the cinema. Just saying. 

Roy: If parents can’t make sure their babies remain completely silent all the time and never take them to any public place they should be confiscated and raised in a state ‘baby camp’. I’m not being callous, you could give them a goldfish to take their mind off it.