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Woman lying next to man after first shag wondering how soon she can dump him

A WOMAN who has just finished a tragically bad first shag with her new boyfriend is wondering if breaking up with him tonight would be too soon.

Lucy Parry had been on five dates with Oli O’Connor and found him to be funny, thoughtful and intelligent, only to discover he is terminally crap in bed.

She said: “Wow. I mean I’ve had bad sex before obviously, I’m a woman, but that has set the bar at a new low.

“The foreplay, the technique, the equipment itself and most of all the sheer brevity. All that time getting to know him for two minutes of uncoordinated fumbling and 40 seconds of frenzied pumping.

“We’d had five brilliant dates and I’d started to think that this was it, but there’s no future in it. It’d make more sense to shag on the first date. Then you know you’re not wasting your time.

“Can I dump him now? Or first thing tomorrow? Would it be polite to go on another date first? But what if he wants to do it again? Best to creep out and ignore his texts. That always works when blokes do it to me.”

O’Connor said: “Lucy was amazingly quiet after we’d done the deed. Coming back down to Earth after that incredible experience, I guess. Happens to all my girlfriends.”

Three days of silent mourning: the Daily Mash's plan for when Mr Blobby dies

EVERY publication of record in the UK must have plans in place for when the inevitable happens. Here is how the Daily Mash will observe the tragic loss of Mr Blobby.

Three days of silent mourning

Once confirmation has been received from Crinkley Bottom, our offices will lie vacant for three days and the site will be replaced by a black screen. Editors, writers and angry Facebook commenters alike must keep a solemn and respectful silence for 72 hours.

A subsequent three days of celebration

After the allotted period of reflection, we will return with tributes to the life and times of the nation’s pink-and-yellow jester, with tributes from celebrity friends like Noel Edmonds, Vicki Michelle, and Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Replacing all instances of the word ‘the’ with ‘Blobby’

For an unspecified number of weeks following the celebration period, we will replace all instances of the word ‘the’ in our articles with ‘Blobby’. Sentences like ‘Blobby prime minister will today announce blobby largest cuts to public services blobby country has ever seen’ will bring us together.

A ritualistic bonfire

When the state funeral begins, the company’s HR manager will light a ceremonial 40ft high bonfire, on which we will burn our cherished Blobby memorabilia and copies of his classic Christmas number one, Mr Blobby.

A pilgrimage to Crinkley Bottom

Following the televised funeral, all editorial staff and readers are invited to take part in a pilgrimage from London to one of the three failed Crinkley Bottom theme parks. There, amid the ruins, they can sign a condolence book and be gunged by his ashes.